I like to observe people, things, events, etc. and draw conclusions on them.... which is a euphemism for "I judge everything." I'm often critical, at times downright cynical, but I don't try to curtail this method of thinking because it's very conducive to sarcasm. And I love sarcasm. I love pushing the envelope. I love exploiting people and things that are stupid. I'll give credit where credit is due of course, but it's just not as much fun.
It is within this general mental framework that I will be relaying my observations, musings, and judgments in this blog. I'll typically address issues in the realms of sports, movies, music, celebrity gossip, some current events, books, video games, and every once in a while, politics, as well as some randoms items sprinkled in here and there, of course. So if all that sounds like a good time to you, read on. Otherwise, I dunno, go log back on to twitter or something. Ok, here we go:
I. MUSIC: THE KING IS DEAD. WEEP FOR HIM.
Since I heard of his death late last week, I've been seriously mourning the loss of Michael Jackson. And you should too. This is maybe the most universally appealing and influential musician/entertainer of all time. Actually, there's no "maybe" about it. Blacks, whites, girls, guys, children, adults, smart people, retards, straights, homos, you name it, we all like his music, at least some of it. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet that everyone reading this legitimately "loves" at least one Michael Jackson song. Nobody else - nooooooooobody else - can say that. No way. Madonna? Nope, lots of straight men don't like her stuff. Same goes for Prince. Elvis? Ehhh, maybe, but when's the last time you saw a black dude jailhouse rockin'? Exactly. You get the idea. And it is for this reason - his uniquely encompassing appeal - that Michael Jackson deserves to be missed, remembered, and revered just as much if not more than John Lennon...
(...We now pause for all the people reading this who think they're witty to think to themselves, 'Yeah, but the difference is John Lennon didn't have sex with littly boys.' ......)
To those of you who just had thoughts similar to that mentioned above and have therefore decided to treat MJ's death as a pleasant riddance rather than a tragic loss, I'll counter by saying that you're not a very good American. Why? Well, what do you think of Benjamin Franklin? He's a founding father, a patriot, a great American, right? Right. Of course he was! No argument. We even built a science museum in his honor right in my hometown of Philadelphia. But much like the man's legacy, the museum only seems pristine and appealing until you bother to look deeply into it when you discover that it's also kinda filthy. In other words, Benjamin Franklin was also a glutton, a shitty father, and a womanizer. But that doesn't matter to you, does it? No, it doesn't, and I'll tell you why - because we don't like to remember our heroes for their flaws. We revel in the selective nature of our memories. Thomas Jefferson is another one. He was good at being president, and that's just swell. In fact, he is such a pillar of our proud American history that people still look up in wonder at his likeness carved into the side of a mountain in South Dakota. But no dad will ever take his little boy to Mt. Rushmore and say, "Gosh, will ya look at that, Timmy? That's Thomas Jefferson, the man who fucked his 'nigger' slaves and had lots of illegitimate children." And if any father ever does say that to his son, I'll laugh and tip my cap to his sense of honesty, though I will admit that I'd question his phrasing...
(...We now pause for those reading this who think they're smart to think to themselves, 'this is ridiculous. Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson are just a little bit different than Michael Jackson' followed by several scoffing noises and shakes of the head....)
And to you who just did I say again....you're styooooooopid, for the principle is the same. We remember what we want to remember about influential people because we in America at some point unofficially decided that their body of work is so important that their shortcomings should be overlooked. And, given my continuing and unwavering adoration for the King of Pop, I can't say I disagree with this concept. I'm just arguing here that it should absolutely be employed on his behalf as well. And armed with that reasoning I make the following plea: I urge people not to remember Michael Jackson's flaws - glaringly obvious and disgusting as they are -, but to remember how much fun it was as a kid to try and moonwalk across the living room, how fun and funny it was every time you were at a dance/prom/wedding/whatever when you and a friend re-enacted the goofy knife fight scene from the "Beat It" video (and how much you've always kinda wanted that pink jacket...), how much you wished the tiles would light up under your feet when you were dancing like they did in the "Billie Jean" video, how cool you thought it was when MJ turned into a panther at the end of the "Black or White" video, how awesome the "Thriller" video still is, how grateful you were when you discovered the "Off the Wall" album in the mid-90's, how excited you were when they came out with a "Moonwalker" video game, how hot you thought Lisa Marie Presley's ass looked in his "You are not Alone" video, how much you secretly enjoy the Free Willy song when nobody else is around, how in awe you were when you wondered just how he managed to do that ridiculous lean-move at the end of the "Smooth Criminal" video, how much you'd actually rather be listening to "Wanna Be Startin' Something" every time you hear that Rihanna song that copies it at the end, how much cooler (for all you Philadelphia Eagles fans out there) Donovan McNabb instantly became in your mind when he started doing "Thriller" dance moves in the end zone, and how you have secretly been wishing he would make a solid comeback for years. His influence warrants your gratitude at least. Mourn the man. He wasn't the king for nothing.
II. SPORTS: THE VICK/STALLWORTH RIDICULOUSNESS, AND THE OBVIOU
S ANSWERI'll be the first to admit that I don't know ALL of the details of each case, but here's the cold, hard truth: Michael Vick A) organized dog fights, and B) went to jail for multiple years. Dante Stallworth A) had more than the legal limit of alcohol in his blood, got behind the wheel of his car, and killed a man upon crashing into him, and B) is serving a 30 day prison sentence. Am I just....how the fuck can.... I don't even.....huh?!?!?
Seriously, is it just me, or does this seem like a complete crap shoot to anybody else? Has our legal system completely abandoned reason altogether? How is it that mistreating dogs is essentially worse - as in "years locked in a cell" worse - than killing someone? If its starting to sound like I think that human lives are more valuable than those of pit-bulls, its because I'm trying to sound like that. And I'm doing so because it's true. People are more important than dogs As a side note, this does not make me an asshole. It makes me a realist. However, I'm going to test the bounds of my sense of realisitic thought when I, given what has already transpired for these two athletes, make the following suggestion: handcuff Dante Stallworth, cover him with bacon, and throw him in a ring with five starving pit-bulls for five minutes (he'd live), and in the mean time put a Cleveland Browns jersey on Michael Vick as they'll clearly have a roster spot to fill. Not only would this be pleasing to those of us with a hearty appreciation for irony (es-PEC-ially because this would mean Michael Vick would be playing for a team whose mascot is a dog! Ha!), but it would serve as a quick way for Stallworth to pay his debt to society as well as just retribution for the comparatively unfair punishment Vick has had to endure.
Moreover, the Browns would make out like bandits here. Let's stay the pit-bulls fuck up Stallworth enough that he has to miss eight weeks of the season to recover from all his bite marks and lacerations and such. Well from a football operations persepective, that's no different from any other season when Dante' misses half the fuckin games because he's always hurt, right? Perhaps more importantly, with the addition of Vick, the Browns could ship Derek Anderson out of town for a draft pick or something while his stock is still kinda high, start Brady Quinn's maturation process by giving him important game experience, but bring in Vick on 3rd and short situations where he can confuse defenses and run for the 1st down or something. Then, by week 8, the Browns can waive whoever turns out to suck that year, welcome back Stallworth, and bam!, just like that, Brady Quinn has another skilled, veteran target, the Browns are rolling, and Michael Vick and LeBron James can go out and crush some local Cleveland vagina between games. Everybody wins, even you the football fan.
III. A QUICK NOTE TO MEN ABOUT GOING TANNING - Stop. If you want to get tan, go outside. If you're worried about burning, then I suggest you stop being such a pussy. You can apply sunblock and still get color, you know. And if you're too shy to show off your body outside, then what the fuck are you tanning for anyway? Spend your money to join a gym instead of to lay inside a tanning bed , get your fat ass in gear, and then go outside. That's two-birds, one-stone right there - you get in shape and you get your skin the color you want it to be. See, I know everything.
IV. WEBSITE TO CHECK OUT: http://www.sporcle.com/ Ridiculous amounts of fun.
V. MOVIES: WHO WOULD PLAY YOU?
Many times in my life I have discussed what a DJ Mazzola biographical movie would be like, and of course, who in Hollywood would play the lead role. I feel this is a very good conversation to have, for not only is it just flat-out fun, but it also can be considerably enlightening. You can learn a great deal about yourself from listening to the names of the actors your friends throw out there for you. And it's not just about who looks the most like you. In fact, looks should really only serve to narrow down the range of actors to those with similar height, hair color, and in some women's cases, breast size. From there, you should still have a decent crop of people from whom to choose. And out of that remaining field, whoever they choose is likely to be a person who seems to accentuate (whether in typical roles they play on screen or in real life) qualities your friends also see in you.
The last time I remember playing this game I came away feeling pretty good about myself. When I first posed the question "Who would play me in a movie?" to my friends, th
e first name I heard was Ray Romano....Yes, Ray Romano. Clearly, the person who thought of this narrowed the list of actors down to tall people with dark hair first. Fine. Good. But from there, I had to wonder about why Ray Romano was chosen.... Real quick, reader, if I were to ask you to describe Ray Romano in one word, what would it be? It would be "funny," right? Right. So, despite the fact that Ray Romano is not exactly an adonis and is not really eye "candy" so much as he is eye "week-old broccoli" or something, I still came away from my conversation that day feeling pretty good about myself because the person who suggested Ray Romano play me in a movie probably thinks I'm funny as well.....Wait a sec, maybe she just thinks I'm ugly as shit like him. I mean, both Ray and I do have pretty big noses....God dammit, Christa Damminger, you bitch!!! (kidding).So while that's a good example of how the game can be uplifting, the conclusions you draw from it aren't always happy ones. For example, I've also heard the name Colin Farrell thrown around for me. Colin Farrell is an arrogant prick. This made me think a bit about how I come to off people....Ok, maybe this is a bad example because I enjoy being an arrogant prick, but surely you can understand how an inferrence such as this could deflate a normal person's mood.
Either way, I suggest you play this game sooner than later. It could serve as inspiration/motivation as well. For example, if you think you're a heterosexual guy, but everyone thinks that Andy Dick should play you in a movie, maybe you should rethink your sexual preference for a while. If you're a girl and the name you consistently hear is Lindsay Lohan, maybe you should stop snorting coke off your car keys all the time before you go out. If you're a white guy and your friends think Lil Wayne should play you, maybe you should think about buying jeans that fit and speaking in complete, intelligible sentences. If you're a girl and everyone thinks Paris Hilton would be perfect for you, maybe you should take that dick out of your mouth for once....(Thinking about doing one more pair of funny examples....Yep, I am. One more...) If you're a young guy but people think of you when they think of Chevy Chase, maybe you should ponder whether or not your personality is similar to that of an crotchety, miserable old man people really haven't enjoyed being around since 1984. If you think you're a typical girl but your friends think you should be immortalized on screen by Kelly Clarkson, maybe everyone thinks that if you have that much talent, you should try a salad.
You can even take this game a step further and try to determine what the title of your movie would be. I personally haven't taken it to this level yet, but I imagine the lessons learned from it could be just as bountiful and poignant. Whatever title you and your friends come up with for your movie, whether it be as promising as something like "Ultra Sex Glory Paladin" or as unpleasant as something like "Shit-Covered Pancakes", as long as its not "Movie About (your name)," you're okay I think, because that would mean that you're the most boring person of all time. And personally, I'd rather eat shit covered pancakes than be boring.
Oh, in case you're curious, I think we finally eventually settled on Adrian Grenier to play me. He's Vinny Chase from "Entourage." Don't know what he looks like? Click here. Lastly, you should leave comments on this blog with ideas about who would play you, and I'll respond to them either confirming or negating those suggestions, complete with reasons why.... (The more discerning readers I'm guessing will see that this idea is really just a thinly veiled scam designed to grant me permission to tear you apart on my blog site. Oh well....).
VI. ANIMAL FACT OF THE DAY
If you eat the liver of a polar bear, you will die of vitamin A poisoning. Polar bears eat so many fish-eating carnivores that they get a whole shit load of vitamin A, which they store in said liver, so much so that if we eat one, we can't take it, and we'll die. This is also just another way a polar bear can kill you I suppose.
I feel the need to add a corrollary to this before I move on... So, animal fact of the day 1.a) polar bears are fucking awesome.
VII. VIDEO GAMES - SUPER MARIO BROS. 3 IS IMPOSSIBLE
I just downloaded this game on my Wii, and I dont give a shit if theres a youtube video of some kid beating the game in 10 minutes, it's fake. This game's impossible. World 8 is insane. There's ships and cannons fuckin' everywhere, and little mole people throwing fuckin' wrenches at me, and the screen never stops moving so I never have time to gather myself and breathe for a second, and the music is all scary, and I hate everybody. Fuck.
VIII. UMAI UMAI SUSHI IS DERRRRRRICIOUS!
Get it?....Im serious though. I just recently discovered this fantastic sushi restaurant on 22nd and Brandywine in Philadelphia. You should check out their website. And may I suggest either the King Kong rolls or Spartan rolls. You'll thank me later. Also, while they do take-out, which is convenient, it's also a BYO place, so, ya know, there's that.
Alright, I think that's all for now. Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think! Just know that if you tell me it sucks, I'll elbow drop you in your sleep.
DJ
