Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Effort

You know those moments in life that send chills up your spine because you're waiting for them with frenzied anticipation? For example, remember Christmas Eve when you were five and you knew Santa Claus was going to bring you a new pair of roller skates? Or when you walked into the concourse at the ballpark for the first time holding your dad's hand? Or during your first slow dance in sixth grade when you're dancing with the girl you really want to kiss? Or at your first semi-formal during freshman year of high school when your date whispers in your ear that if you manage to procure some Arbor Mist and Zima for her and her friends to drink after the dance that she'll give you a handjob in your parents' garage so long as you don't look her in the eyes? Yeah, you know what I mean. Well that's kinda how I felt during the first half of July as I anxiously awaited the long-overdue release of "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince." ('You got THAT pumped up over a kid's movie? You realize you're 26 years old, right?' Yes I did, yes I do, and do you realize that you're probably zero fun if you just thought that about me?) This piece of the epic HP puzzle is a crucial one, it is my favorite (and I dare say best) of the seven books in the series, and so I could. not. fuckin'. wait.

I went to the bar (Manny Brown's - good beer selection, so check it out!) next to the Neshaminy movie theater in Bensalem, PA on Tuesday, 7/14 at 10:30pm to have a few beers to calm myself/quench myself/get drunk enough to think that I could cast spells before the movie. Everyone was so lustfully enthralled by Potter-mania that the bar even offered new, half-priced "Harry Potter shots" -which, to my dismay, were really just "Washington Apple" shots...lame. Despite my distaste for such shots, I nonetheless happily downed a few, all the while pretending it was butterbeer. That made it taste better. It was better than my first thought, anyway, which was to pretend that the shot was actually "verita-serum," which would make me tell the truth, and then tell all the kids in the lobby that Santa Claus isn't real. But I opted against that in favor of the butterbeer thing at the last minute. A good move, I feel.

So, a few butterbeers and actual beers later, I arose my bar stool, left Hogsmeade (Manny Brown's), took the Knight Bus back to Hogwarts (stumbled across the movie theater lobby and into the movie theater itself), making sure to purchase some pumpkin pasties along the way (Twizzlers and a Cherry Coke from the concessions). After all that, I wrapped my wizard cloak around myself (hugged my friend Kooz) and said, "I'm excited!"....So that's what happened before the movie...

... You know those moments in life where you feel so deflated that you don't even want to speak, but rather you literally just want to throw you hands up in despair and look around your immediate environment for some tangible sign that life still contains some promise? You know, like when the roller skates aren't there on Christmas? Or when the game you went to watch with your dad gets rained out in the second inning? Or when the sixth grade girl's breath smells like Doritos - and not even cool ranch or nacho cheese, but the guacamole ones? Or when you realize that the girl giving you a handjob in the garage has big, cold, scaly, man hands? Again, yeah you know what I mean. Well, that's about how depressed I was at 2:47am on Wednesday, 7/15 when I walked out of the movie theater after enduring the sixth, depressingly uninformative and unimaginative installment of the HP franchise. I wanted to like it. I kept telling myself that there were "really awesome parts," but I could only lie to myself for so long. If you read the book, the movie is no good. In fact, it's the worst representation of the books so far. Coming to grips with this, I slowly dragged my feet out to the parking lot, hopped aboard my Nimbus 2000 (got in my Chevy Silverado) and flew (idled) slowly home.

Before any unobjective Potter-freaks just down my throat about my opinion here, let me just clarify my position. This book is so superior because it essentially exists to shed a bit more light/conjure up more empassioned emotions for the reader regarding the plights of the two most intriguing characters of the entire saga: Tom Riddle and Severus Snape. The movie sucks because it achieves NEITHER of these ends. We're supposed to acquire a significant amount of interesting information about horcruxes (quick - if you didn't read the book but did see the movie, can you tell me what horcruxes are?...I didn't think so), what they are, why Tom Riddle is so intrigued by them, what Riddle's family ancestry is like, and why, to a degree, he was steered toward evil. Just as importantly, we're supposed to discover exactly why (SPOILERS AHEAD!) the term "Half Blood Prince" refers to Severus Snape. And we don't! What the fuck is that?!? How can they just gloss over the plot item that serves as the fucking' title!?!? It makes no sense. When Snape reveals himself to Harry when he says, "I....am the half blood prince," we're probably supposed to feel stunned/surprised and perhaps even go "ooooooh!" or maybe even "aaaaahh!" Instead, I felt ashamed. He doesn't tell us WHY that nickname applies or anything. And in the book, it's not even necessary that he reveals it. Hermione sleuths the whole thing out on her own, which is why she's around in the first place - to be the smart library geek who can crack cases like this. But I guess this whole idea was just trivial enough to contort and relegate to a brief, vague conversation between Snape and Harry...Give me a fuckin' break.

Moreover, there's no funeral scene for Dumbledore. No big white coffin, no nothin'. That's unacceptable. Someone should have to go to Azkaban (maximum security prison) for making the decision to leave that bit on the cutting room floor. I realize the movie runs over two and a half hours even without this scene, but come on, they could have squeezed in a little 30-second piece in there. Seriously, don't ya think they could have something like this: slow-mo scene with sad, classical music playing loudly and drowning out all dialogue, professor McGonagall standing at an altar out in the courtyard in front of a white box mouthing some heavy-hearted words into a microphone (her wand), casting a concerned look at a weeping Harry and watching as the camera zooms in on him while Ron and Hermione hold each other off to the side, then slowly fading into the final scene of our three heroes standing and talking out on one of Hogwarts' many scenic balconies?.... Would that be so fuckin' hard? ('You put way too much thought into this.' Maybe, but that's better than putting zero thought into it, which is apparently what happened here, right? Right). God, I was disappointed by this. I almost yelled "DJ SMASH!" and started punching walls and throwing trash cans while I was making my way to the exit, but then I realized that this was no forum for Marvel Comics references that might scare the few children who were there at the midnight show. And so I resisted...

... You know those moments in life where you feel really bad about what you just said or did and therefore feel compelled to make immediate amends? You know, like when your extended family comes over for Christmas dinner and asks what you got from Santa Claus, and you respond by saying "I can tell you what that fat fucker didn't bring me - roller skates!"? Or when you tell your dad that it's probably his fault that it rained during the baseball game? Or when you tell the sixth grade girl that her tongue tastes like dogshit? Or when you tell the freshman girl in the garage that it feels you're being jacked off by a sasquatch with pruny, bathtub hands? Yeah, you know what I mean. Well that's how I feel now after soundly bashing this latest HP flick. With that in mind, allow me to address the highlights...

The non-romance between Ron and Hermione received a considerbale and welcomed upgrade in this movie (even though this should be the darkest/gloomiest of the stories, and certainly not the "cutest" one. But I'll let that slide) as Hermione's attraction/fledgling love for Ron becomes almost immediately more overt, which leads to some genuinely funny (and at-times touching) moments involving the two of them and Ron's short-term love interest, Lavender Brown. One particular scene that stands out features Ron, half-unconscious in a hospital bed as he recovers from imbibing a poisonous potion, mumbling to himself as both Lavender and Hermione watch over him, each convinced that Ron is thinking of her. Ron's sleep-talking eventually becomes comprehensible as he clearly (and longingly) says the name "Hermioneeeee" to himself. Hermione gets happy, Lavender gets pissed and storms out of the room, and a spectating Dumbledore then quips, "So good to be young; to feel love's keen sting." Ha! Believe me, it's hilarious... especially when you consider that Snape is also present in this scene, and he clearly doesn't give a shit about any of it.

Speaking of relationships and things, the blossoming mutual attraction between Harry and Ginny Weasley is also satisfyingly conveyed. While the scenes between the two of them are certainly pleasing enough (despite the fact that they kiss in the room of requirement instead of the Gryffindor common room where they're supposed to..), their budding romance / their relationship's dynamic on the whole becomes even more genuinely heartwarming and such as Ron, suspicious of their feelings for each other, instinctively adopts the role as the protective big brother to Ginny. The scene where Ron forcefully inserts himself into the small spot on a couch between Harry and Ginny, ostensibly to offer Harry some of the cakes he's holding but really to get him away from his sister, is particularly enjoyable, and it also carries with it the ancillary quality of serving as a welcomed - not to mention needed - recess from the otherwise choppy/sloppy action of the central plotline.

Representing the polar opposite of cute, romantic characters, it seemed to me that Thomas Felton, who plays Draco Malfoy, did an excellent job in his role. ('He's been playing the same character for six movies! And you're just recognizing him now?' Dude, let me explain!). For the first five movies, Draco has been nasty, sinister, and Harry's second-biggest antagonist (If you are wondering who the biggest one is, it rhymes with "Poldesmort," and if you didn't realize that immediately, then you are something that rhymes with "leparted"), and while I'm no experienced thespian, he's done a decent job in this capacity to date in my estimation. However, in this movie, the breadth of Draco's expressed emotions broadens, and considerably so. In addition to simply expressing his hatred/bitterness for all things Harry Potter, he also has to consistenly appear almost unbearably preoccupied, scared, worried, etc. as he deals internally with the crushing magnitude of the task placed before him by Voldemort (murdering Dumbledore). There are several scenes that feature Felton by himself, having to act without speaking or interacting with anyone else, and I think he conveys his characters frantic/chaotic emotional state very well. Heavy breathing, slight trembling, etc. All the little shit. I feel like that kind of stuff gets overlooked, and so I feel it warrants mentioning.

Lastly, to tie up the limited number of positives here, Jim Broadbent also does a solid job as the potions teacher with an inconspicuous past, Horace Slughorn. He's quirky, and he has funny facial ticks and mannerisms that make you simultaneously unafraid of him and wary of him. I enjoyed him in just about every scene in which he appeared, which puts his performance right in line with the rest of the consistently superb ones turned in by previous, short-term Hogwarts professors like Kenneth Branagh as Gilderoy Lockhart, David Thewlis as Remus Lupin, Brendan Gleeson as the fake (and real) Alastor Moody, and Imelda Staunton as Dolores Umbridge. Amazing, right? You can't find a single one listed just now that you didn't thoroughly enjoy, can you?....Like I said, amazing.

Unfortunately, I wish I could use that word - "amazing" - to describe "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" in summation. But sadly, I can't. Here's hoping that the fact that the seventh book ("Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows") is being split into two movies will allow for significantly more attention to detail, or at least acknowledgment of the most substantive stuff, which this movie sorely lacks. "Half Blood Prince" will leave the serious HP fan at a nauseating loss for an explanation regarding the lack of important content, it will leave the casual movie-goer confused, and it will leave both sets of audiences woefully uninformed. That last part particularly is a damn shame. This could have been a great movie. It still has its share of fun moments, its heartwarming moments, and its action-packed moments, but all of them can not fill the canyon-like gap between the expectation level for the movie and what it actually delivered, which really wasn't all that magical, to say the least.

Grade: C-

That's all for now. Peace out, muggles.

DJ

A Healthy Dose of Summer Banter

Oh, hello. I didn't notice you there. It's me, your pal Deej. Deej Mazzola. Come hang out with me for a while, won't you?...Good. There's sure to be something in here that will cause you to laugh, scoff, and/or contemplate. Doesn't that sound like fun? Yeah. Yeah, it does, I know. But first, go get a drink - a tall, stiff drink and relax... unless you're at work, in which case, close out all of your ultimately meaningless spreadsheets (and no, I don't care if you're proud that you just learned the =sum() function or if you learned how to color code your numbers. I said close it out, so close it out! In fact, don't even elect to save all changes when you do so. Just fuck it. It can all be done again later. We have far more imortant things to tend to now) and whatever other boring programs you currently have running that make you want to put your computer through a woodchipper, and hang out with Deej for a while. Just make sure you keep a second internet explorer window open to Google.com, with the words "microsoft excel training" typed in the search field. This way, if your boss walks by, you can simply alt+tab over to it to make it seem like you're taking the initiative to hone your computer skills. Then, when the boss passes you by, you can quietly laugh and tell said boss to go fornicate him or her self....Alright, we all settled in? Good. Away we go...



I. MOVIES - HELP THE DAGO GET IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS!



On June 24th, 2009, the movie "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" opened in movie theaters nationwide. To call this thin slice of alien-robot heaven "heavily anticipated" would be an Optimus Prime-sized understatement. "Transformers" had the second biggest five-day box office opening of all time, earning just over $200 million in that time (the only movie to outdo it was last year's "The Dark Knight," which is perfectly acceptable). It also had the biggest opening in the history of IMAX.






Alright, why do I mention all of this? Well, there's a couple reasons. First, I'm the gigantic geek who still has an Optimus Prime action figure in his bedroom on his night table. I keep him there in case of emergency - and by "emergency" I mean "in case I come to discover that the girl I'm making out with in my bed is terrible at performing oral sex, at which point I'll just reach for Optimus Prime and transform him back and forth from truck to robot over and over to keep myself entertained until the girl realizes that I've lost interest and leaves my apartment." Kidding. Kinda. Not really. Anyway, I arbitarily feel as if I've been an honorary autobot since I fell in love with this product line when I was but a wee, uni-browed lad of three years. And as such, I simply feel compelled to boast the successes/triumphs of the franchise that managed to weave itself into the very fabric of the dago you now know and love (or loathe, or feel completely stoic about) today. So that's one reason...



...More relevantly, however, I mention this movie because it's outstanding box office performance so far means that it's gonna be around for a while. It's going to be in theaters well into August. This gives me ample opportunity to see it again and again. And that's what I plan on doing. In fact, consider this blog item the introduction of my campaign to break the world record for "number of times a film is seen by one person during it's initial run in movie theaters." I think I can do it. Unfortunately, I'm currently sitting at a paltry and embarassing TWO viewings. This is where you, reader, become useful. See, I won't see it again by myself. It's not nearly enough fun (Trust me on this; I tried it with the first Transformers movie). So I want to see it with YOU! Yes, you. Whoever you are, I don't care. I have a world record to break here! ('Ugh, Transformers are so stupid, DJ. You're ridiculous. Why would I want to go see that stupid movie with you?!?' Hold on, I got you taken care of). You want incentive, you got it. If you agree to aid me in my quest to become the official biggest Transformers geek of all time, I will not only purchase your ticket, but I will also buy for you TWO drinks of your choice before or after the movie. And as for the movie experience itself, don't worry if you don't like the premise, for watching me become more quitely excited than a gay kid with a popsicle will be worth it alone. So how 'bout it people?!!? Wanna help DJ out? If so, drop me a comment here and let me know. I'll get in touch and we'll figure out details. Also, if you just feel like reminding me that I'm the biggest tool of all time for undertaking such an....ummmm, undertaking, then that's cool too. I'm ready for it. Just remember, if you think the idea of Transformers is cheesy on the surface, you should know that there is more to them than meets.....well, you know.



II. MUSIC - PANDORA. LET DJ THINK OUTSIDE THE "BOX" FOR YOU! (GET IT? LIKE PANDORA'S BOX? NO? YES? NO?)



If you don't know about pandora yet, I humbly suggest to you that perhaps its time to emerge from in that cave or under that rock where you are currently dwelling. Briefly, http://www.pandora.com/ is a website designed to allow you to create radio station(s) (for free, by the way) customized to your musical preferences, the products of which are streamed right through your computer, out into the atmosphere, into your waiting ears, and so on. On the whole, this is a fantastic idea, and the product is absolutely worth your time...if you have the time, that is. It's a lot of fun tweaking the types of songs that will be played on your stations. However, all of this can also become somewhat cumbersome. In order to ideally narrow down the range of music on a particular station to that which you really want, you'll constantly have to monitor the songs the website churns out, making sure to give a "thumbs down" to the tunes that sound to you more like noise than a melody. Otherwise, the website will "think" you like it and will continue to produce similar stuff. So, again, while it's all a really fun idea, who honestly has time to constantly monitor this shit?....



....I do. I just leave my radio station playing all day at work, and every time I hear something that either sucks or just doesn't fit the genre of music to which I'm trying to limit a particular station, I just quickly alt+tab to it (that's two alt+tab references in one blog! You're so impressed), give it a quick thumbs down, and a new song instantly starts up. As of now I have four radio stations on my account that are each taking shape quite nicely as I continue to mold them, and I invite you to come check them out at your leisure by clicking here.



For the sake of brief synopses (and also for the sake of seizing the opportunity to use the fantastic plural word "synopses" in my blog), here are brief descriptions of the stations currently running on my page:

1. DagoRock radio - What I consider my "flagship" station. It's a comprehensive mesh of all the rock music I like. Metal, alternative, southern, grunge, 80's hair/glam, classic/60's and 70's, it's all there. You're likely to hear Credence Clearwater Revival, followed by Rage Against the Machine, the Beatles, Bruce Springsteen, Guns n Roses, Warrant, Weezer, etc. It should have something for everyone.


2. Modern Guilt - As the title suggests, this is my "guilty pleasures" station. Contained within is a bunch of homogenous yet catchy top-40 stuff. Flo Rida, Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Britney Spears, and others of this embarassingly infectious ilk can be found here for your private - very private - enjoyment (Yes, I do realize the irony in me publicizing this information just after saying that it should be private).
3. Songs to Kill People to - I suggest listening to this station if you're either a) getting ready to lift weights, b) are having a really bad day, or c) flexing insatiably into the mirror. This is the brutal stuff. The heavy, nasty, scary shit that makes you feel like your ears are actually getting penetrated without consent..."rape" I think is the word kids are using these days. Yes, this music will rape your ears, and then it'll leave without apologizing or buying you breakfast. Seriously though, it's crazy, but taken in small doses at the right time, this stuff can be downright cathartic. In other words, it can be a great medium for venting your frustration. Mudvayne, White Zombie, Megadeth, Marilyn Manson, Tool, Sepultura, and other demons of rock to be found here.


4. Oldies/Do-Wop Radio - This is dedicated to the happy music that came before the Beatles showed up. I love this shit. In fact, I'm listening to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons do "Walk Like a Man" as I'm writing this. That's what you can expect here. Lots of Elvis, Roy Orbison, the Everly Brothers, Bobby Darin, and other oldies here. This is just fun.

I urge you to go check these out so you can tell me what you think, tell me what you like, give me your suggestions, see if you'd like to create your own station, or - since I like doing it so much - letting me know a different kind of station you'd like so I can just go ahead and make it for you to save you the effort. Such a magnanimous dago I am.... Any way you slice pandora, its really a solid way to share good music, discover new music (or re-discover old goodies), and eliminate crappy music. All good things.

III. SPORTS - STEVE MCNAIR WAS A GREAT QB. EVERYTHING ELSE AINT OUR BIDNISS

Ya know, I was all set to write a sports item detailing how ludicrous the rules of the baseball all-star game are, or how overtly proud we should all be of Andy Roddick, or a million other things. But then Steve McNair's stupid, 20 year-old terrorist girlfriend had to go and kill him and herself. ('DJ she was Iranian! That doesn't make her a terrorist you ignorant asshole! Nyerrr!' Shut up, yes it does). And what necessitated that I drop other sports-related topics in favor of this one was not the terrorist's actions, but moreso the reactions from the sports community that followed.

Let me start by asking - did you happen to see Jeff Fisher's (McNair's former coach from the Tennessee Titans) press conference after he the news of his death? Check it out here. Actually, fast forward to about 1:20 into the video, then start counting how many times Fisher says "The Steve that I knew..." Actually, don't bother trying to count unless you have like a TI-83 graphing calculator with you, because he says that phrase so many times that I think the final count somehow becomes an irrational number - ya know, like the square root of 2. Basically, what this means it that Jeff Fisher was diplomatically admitting "I didn't know shit about the real Steve McNair, who apparently was a deadbeat dad who essentially abandoned his children so he could go diddle a terrorist." I don't fault Fisher for his choice of words. I think he handled the situation admirably. He chose to remember "the Steve he knew" for the loyal team mate, fierce competitor, and MVP-caliber quarterback he was. I don't see anything wrong with that. I think it's important to note/realize that Steve McNair had some pretty abhorrent flaws as a human being, but I also don't think that should tarnish his legacy as a football player...Gosh, ya know, this reminds me of something and someone else I wrote about recently....Man, what was that...

...Oh, right! Michael Jackson! Remember my last blog (and if you don't, go read it!) when I said that it's just in our nature to look past the flaws of influential people so to keep their legacy in tact and that we should employ that philosophy on MJ's behalf as well? Well, this McNair thing is just another sterling example of that concept in action. The guy had a crumby marriage, he cheated on his wife, and he left his kids high and dry. That's despicable, right? Right. Yet his funeral was broadcast on television for the entire country to mourn him, a memorial service was held at the Titans' football stadium so McNair fans could come pay their respects (which they did, and in droves), and every single sports columnist/journalist I've listened to has said quite frankly that it's okay to leave the other details be, and that all we should remember is how he positively impacted the NFL and did his part to make our Sunday afternoons more exciting. So, I'm just sayin', if my Benjamin Franklin/Thomas Jefferson examples didn't work for ya last week, maybe this considerably less monumental one one will. If we can choose to remember McNair (who by and large had far less positive influence on humanity than Michael Jackson did) in a positive light despite his disappointing shortcomings, why can't we do so for MJ? Answer me that, Jacskon haters.... Oh, and if you still have your calculator in your hands, type in 58008 then flip it upside down....Hilarious, right?...

IV. A CONUNDRUM OF VOCABULARY

They say - "they" being the same abstract, intangible folks who tell us to drink five to eight glasses of water a day, exercise for 30 minutes a day, and exercise protected sex (each of which is ridiculous, by the way. That much water will make you constantly pee/feel bloated, 30 minutes is not nearly enough time to make a noticebale difference, and standard methods of protected sex are not nearly as much fun as pulling out) - that English is the most difficult language to master, and this case, I dare say "they" are correct. And I can prove it with one example - did you know the word "cleave" can mean either a) to split apart, or b) to bond together? I'm not kidding. If you need proof, just take a look at dictionary.com's definitions and see for yourself. Could you imagine trying to teach this to a foreigner for the first time? It's like saying "Ok, now 'up' means 'up' but it also means 'down.' Does that make sense to you?" I know that if this lingual rubix cube was introduced to me at any time before my, say, 25th birthday or so, my brain would not have been developed enough to handle it, the veins in my temples would instantly rupture, and I'd collapse, lifeless, with blood and other various fluids oozing from my eyes, ears, nose, and probably my grundle as well.

Furthermore, what do you call words such as these (presuming there is more than one of them)? We have "homophones", which are words that sound the same but have different meanings and are sometimes spelled differently, such as 'bare' and 'bear.' Ok, no problem with those. We also have "heteronyms," which are words that are spelled the same but which sound different and have different meanings, such as 'Polish' and 'polish.' Great, got it.....So what the fuck do we call words that are spelled the same, sound the same, but which have not just different, but completely opposite meanings? Is there even a word for it? I can't imagine that there is. With that in mind, I nominate that we add either "cleave-onyms" or "ridiculo-phones" to our vernacular. Honestly, this whole irrational concept has me upset and confused. It will cleave to my mind all day to the point where I want to cleave my own arm off. (See???!? My apologies if that sentence almost made your head explode). Cleave cleave cleave cleave cleave....That's it, I'm moving to Italy. Shit has got to make more sense there.

V. A COMEDIAN WITH WHOM YOU SHOULD FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF

Greg Giraldo. He partakes in all the Comedy Central "roasts." I just saw him at Helium Comedy Club in Philly on 7/10, and I genuinely started to spasm from laughing so hard. As long as you're not too uptight and can handle a little brutally honest and sarcastic irreverance, you'll love this guy (and if you can't handle it/don't think its funny, I suggest you lighten up a bit). Check his website out to see if you recognize him, or better yet, check out some of his stuff on youtube here. In case you're wondering, no, it's not safe for work.

VI. RANDOM NOTES: I LOVE MY COUNTRY

Do yourself a favor and check out this story. That's right, some dumb bitch in New York fell down a manhole while walking and texting. And now her family is planning to sue (of course). Ya know, I don't even care who's right and wrong here, I just mention this because it's really funny to think about, and because it adds even more credence to my theory that the overwhelming majority of people from New York are morons. Don't believe me? - GO THERE.

Congratulations going out today to the fine folks of Des Moines, Iowa as it appears that the city is getting closer to repealing a law that currently forbids any and all public dancing between the hours of 2am-6am. That's right, you can get arrested in Des Moines for dancing at 2:01am. The article I read even features this gem "...the law shows that we aren't keeping up with the times." Really? You don't say!

VII. FOOD - CHIMA BRAZILIAN STYLE STEAKHOUSE. PREPARE TO LOOSEN YOUR BELT

If you're not familiar with how Brazilian steakhouses operate, just think of it as a cavalcade of various luscious meats aggressively marauding its way into your mouth, and which will only cease its swift advance if you somehow manage to muster the willpower to tell them to stop. It's the greatest yet potentially most lethal dinner concept ever. The last time I went to Chima (located at 1901 JFK Blvd. in downtown Philly, not far from the Franklin. Check the site here.), I only eventually forced myself to leave for fear that the lining of my stomach was legitimately about to tear open and that I would collapse in the middle of the restaurant, still helplessly trying to scrape more steak into my mouth as I fall gluttunously and unceremoniously from my chair.

Don't let that scare you though. Go to Chima. Revel in its limitless bounty. Not only are the many different kinds of steaks (and sausage, pork, and chicken choices) endless in quantity, they are also each very good. And you never have to wait long for more once the food starts coming!Waiter after waiter after waiter emerges from the kitchen brandishing a sword - there's probably a better name for the thing they're holding, but essentially it's a sword - in one hand, upon which is impaled a large hunk of meat, and a carving knife in the other. They will each come to your table and ask if you'd like some of what they have on their respective sword of awesomeness (a hint: say "yes" a lot). If you're picky about eating your meats rare/well/whatever, the waiters will also ask you from which area of the hunk of meat you would prefer he cut your portion as some areas are cooked well, others rare, and everywhere in between. Amazing, right?

If and when you do decide to go there, here are some tips:

1. They offer you a salad/soup buffet to start along with some bread. SKIP THIS ENTIRELY. You'll be full before the meat comes, and then you'll be sorry.


2. Despite my previous hint in the above paragraph, remember to say no if you see the same cut of meat coming around to your table twice. Trust me, there is enough variety to keep you guessing until you're good and full.


3. Drink lots of red wine. Just because its awesome.


4. For the ladies/gays: Do NOT look in the mirror naked or get on a scale when you get home. You will not like what you see.

As long as you obey those guidelines, you should be fine. But still, you might die from eating too much. This is why they should invent dress pants featuring elastic waists.

Alright, I think that'll be all for now. Thanks for reading. Drop me a line, offer suggestions, rip me to pieces, whatever, it's all encouraged. See you next time.

DJ