Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Effort

You know those moments in life that send chills up your spine because you're waiting for them with frenzied anticipation? For example, remember Christmas Eve when you were five and you knew Santa Claus was going to bring you a new pair of roller skates? Or when you walked into the concourse at the ballpark for the first time holding your dad's hand? Or during your first slow dance in sixth grade when you're dancing with the girl you really want to kiss? Or at your first semi-formal during freshman year of high school when your date whispers in your ear that if you manage to procure some Arbor Mist and Zima for her and her friends to drink after the dance that she'll give you a handjob in your parents' garage so long as you don't look her in the eyes? Yeah, you know what I mean. Well that's kinda how I felt during the first half of July as I anxiously awaited the long-overdue release of "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince." ('You got THAT pumped up over a kid's movie? You realize you're 26 years old, right?' Yes I did, yes I do, and do you realize that you're probably zero fun if you just thought that about me?) This piece of the epic HP puzzle is a crucial one, it is my favorite (and I dare say best) of the seven books in the series, and so I could. not. fuckin'. wait.

I went to the bar (Manny Brown's - good beer selection, so check it out!) next to the Neshaminy movie theater in Bensalem, PA on Tuesday, 7/14 at 10:30pm to have a few beers to calm myself/quench myself/get drunk enough to think that I could cast spells before the movie. Everyone was so lustfully enthralled by Potter-mania that the bar even offered new, half-priced "Harry Potter shots" -which, to my dismay, were really just "Washington Apple" shots...lame. Despite my distaste for such shots, I nonetheless happily downed a few, all the while pretending it was butterbeer. That made it taste better. It was better than my first thought, anyway, which was to pretend that the shot was actually "verita-serum," which would make me tell the truth, and then tell all the kids in the lobby that Santa Claus isn't real. But I opted against that in favor of the butterbeer thing at the last minute. A good move, I feel.

So, a few butterbeers and actual beers later, I arose my bar stool, left Hogsmeade (Manny Brown's), took the Knight Bus back to Hogwarts (stumbled across the movie theater lobby and into the movie theater itself), making sure to purchase some pumpkin pasties along the way (Twizzlers and a Cherry Coke from the concessions). After all that, I wrapped my wizard cloak around myself (hugged my friend Kooz) and said, "I'm excited!"....So that's what happened before the movie...

... You know those moments in life where you feel so deflated that you don't even want to speak, but rather you literally just want to throw you hands up in despair and look around your immediate environment for some tangible sign that life still contains some promise? You know, like when the roller skates aren't there on Christmas? Or when the game you went to watch with your dad gets rained out in the second inning? Or when the sixth grade girl's breath smells like Doritos - and not even cool ranch or nacho cheese, but the guacamole ones? Or when you realize that the girl giving you a handjob in the garage has big, cold, scaly, man hands? Again, yeah you know what I mean. Well, that's about how depressed I was at 2:47am on Wednesday, 7/15 when I walked out of the movie theater after enduring the sixth, depressingly uninformative and unimaginative installment of the HP franchise. I wanted to like it. I kept telling myself that there were "really awesome parts," but I could only lie to myself for so long. If you read the book, the movie is no good. In fact, it's the worst representation of the books so far. Coming to grips with this, I slowly dragged my feet out to the parking lot, hopped aboard my Nimbus 2000 (got in my Chevy Silverado) and flew (idled) slowly home.

Before any unobjective Potter-freaks just down my throat about my opinion here, let me just clarify my position. This book is so superior because it essentially exists to shed a bit more light/conjure up more empassioned emotions for the reader regarding the plights of the two most intriguing characters of the entire saga: Tom Riddle and Severus Snape. The movie sucks because it achieves NEITHER of these ends. We're supposed to acquire a significant amount of interesting information about horcruxes (quick - if you didn't read the book but did see the movie, can you tell me what horcruxes are?...I didn't think so), what they are, why Tom Riddle is so intrigued by them, what Riddle's family ancestry is like, and why, to a degree, he was steered toward evil. Just as importantly, we're supposed to discover exactly why (SPOILERS AHEAD!) the term "Half Blood Prince" refers to Severus Snape. And we don't! What the fuck is that?!? How can they just gloss over the plot item that serves as the fucking' title!?!? It makes no sense. When Snape reveals himself to Harry when he says, "I....am the half blood prince," we're probably supposed to feel stunned/surprised and perhaps even go "ooooooh!" or maybe even "aaaaahh!" Instead, I felt ashamed. He doesn't tell us WHY that nickname applies or anything. And in the book, it's not even necessary that he reveals it. Hermione sleuths the whole thing out on her own, which is why she's around in the first place - to be the smart library geek who can crack cases like this. But I guess this whole idea was just trivial enough to contort and relegate to a brief, vague conversation between Snape and Harry...Give me a fuckin' break.

Moreover, there's no funeral scene for Dumbledore. No big white coffin, no nothin'. That's unacceptable. Someone should have to go to Azkaban (maximum security prison) for making the decision to leave that bit on the cutting room floor. I realize the movie runs over two and a half hours even without this scene, but come on, they could have squeezed in a little 30-second piece in there. Seriously, don't ya think they could have something like this: slow-mo scene with sad, classical music playing loudly and drowning out all dialogue, professor McGonagall standing at an altar out in the courtyard in front of a white box mouthing some heavy-hearted words into a microphone (her wand), casting a concerned look at a weeping Harry and watching as the camera zooms in on him while Ron and Hermione hold each other off to the side, then slowly fading into the final scene of our three heroes standing and talking out on one of Hogwarts' many scenic balconies?.... Would that be so fuckin' hard? ('You put way too much thought into this.' Maybe, but that's better than putting zero thought into it, which is apparently what happened here, right? Right). God, I was disappointed by this. I almost yelled "DJ SMASH!" and started punching walls and throwing trash cans while I was making my way to the exit, but then I realized that this was no forum for Marvel Comics references that might scare the few children who were there at the midnight show. And so I resisted...

... You know those moments in life where you feel really bad about what you just said or did and therefore feel compelled to make immediate amends? You know, like when your extended family comes over for Christmas dinner and asks what you got from Santa Claus, and you respond by saying "I can tell you what that fat fucker didn't bring me - roller skates!"? Or when you tell your dad that it's probably his fault that it rained during the baseball game? Or when you tell the sixth grade girl that her tongue tastes like dogshit? Or when you tell the freshman girl in the garage that it feels you're being jacked off by a sasquatch with pruny, bathtub hands? Yeah, you know what I mean. Well that's how I feel now after soundly bashing this latest HP flick. With that in mind, allow me to address the highlights...

The non-romance between Ron and Hermione received a considerbale and welcomed upgrade in this movie (even though this should be the darkest/gloomiest of the stories, and certainly not the "cutest" one. But I'll let that slide) as Hermione's attraction/fledgling love for Ron becomes almost immediately more overt, which leads to some genuinely funny (and at-times touching) moments involving the two of them and Ron's short-term love interest, Lavender Brown. One particular scene that stands out features Ron, half-unconscious in a hospital bed as he recovers from imbibing a poisonous potion, mumbling to himself as both Lavender and Hermione watch over him, each convinced that Ron is thinking of her. Ron's sleep-talking eventually becomes comprehensible as he clearly (and longingly) says the name "Hermioneeeee" to himself. Hermione gets happy, Lavender gets pissed and storms out of the room, and a spectating Dumbledore then quips, "So good to be young; to feel love's keen sting." Ha! Believe me, it's hilarious... especially when you consider that Snape is also present in this scene, and he clearly doesn't give a shit about any of it.

Speaking of relationships and things, the blossoming mutual attraction between Harry and Ginny Weasley is also satisfyingly conveyed. While the scenes between the two of them are certainly pleasing enough (despite the fact that they kiss in the room of requirement instead of the Gryffindor common room where they're supposed to..), their budding romance / their relationship's dynamic on the whole becomes even more genuinely heartwarming and such as Ron, suspicious of their feelings for each other, instinctively adopts the role as the protective big brother to Ginny. The scene where Ron forcefully inserts himself into the small spot on a couch between Harry and Ginny, ostensibly to offer Harry some of the cakes he's holding but really to get him away from his sister, is particularly enjoyable, and it also carries with it the ancillary quality of serving as a welcomed - not to mention needed - recess from the otherwise choppy/sloppy action of the central plotline.

Representing the polar opposite of cute, romantic characters, it seemed to me that Thomas Felton, who plays Draco Malfoy, did an excellent job in his role. ('He's been playing the same character for six movies! And you're just recognizing him now?' Dude, let me explain!). For the first five movies, Draco has been nasty, sinister, and Harry's second-biggest antagonist (If you are wondering who the biggest one is, it rhymes with "Poldesmort," and if you didn't realize that immediately, then you are something that rhymes with "leparted"), and while I'm no experienced thespian, he's done a decent job in this capacity to date in my estimation. However, in this movie, the breadth of Draco's expressed emotions broadens, and considerably so. In addition to simply expressing his hatred/bitterness for all things Harry Potter, he also has to consistenly appear almost unbearably preoccupied, scared, worried, etc. as he deals internally with the crushing magnitude of the task placed before him by Voldemort (murdering Dumbledore). There are several scenes that feature Felton by himself, having to act without speaking or interacting with anyone else, and I think he conveys his characters frantic/chaotic emotional state very well. Heavy breathing, slight trembling, etc. All the little shit. I feel like that kind of stuff gets overlooked, and so I feel it warrants mentioning.

Lastly, to tie up the limited number of positives here, Jim Broadbent also does a solid job as the potions teacher with an inconspicuous past, Horace Slughorn. He's quirky, and he has funny facial ticks and mannerisms that make you simultaneously unafraid of him and wary of him. I enjoyed him in just about every scene in which he appeared, which puts his performance right in line with the rest of the consistently superb ones turned in by previous, short-term Hogwarts professors like Kenneth Branagh as Gilderoy Lockhart, David Thewlis as Remus Lupin, Brendan Gleeson as the fake (and real) Alastor Moody, and Imelda Staunton as Dolores Umbridge. Amazing, right? You can't find a single one listed just now that you didn't thoroughly enjoy, can you?....Like I said, amazing.

Unfortunately, I wish I could use that word - "amazing" - to describe "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" in summation. But sadly, I can't. Here's hoping that the fact that the seventh book ("Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows") is being split into two movies will allow for significantly more attention to detail, or at least acknowledgment of the most substantive stuff, which this movie sorely lacks. "Half Blood Prince" will leave the serious HP fan at a nauseating loss for an explanation regarding the lack of important content, it will leave the casual movie-goer confused, and it will leave both sets of audiences woefully uninformed. That last part particularly is a damn shame. This could have been a great movie. It still has its share of fun moments, its heartwarming moments, and its action-packed moments, but all of them can not fill the canyon-like gap between the expectation level for the movie and what it actually delivered, which really wasn't all that magical, to say the least.

Grade: C-

That's all for now. Peace out, muggles.

DJ