A Healthy Dose of Summer Banter

Oh, hello. I didn't notice you there. It's me, your pal Deej. Deej Mazzola. Come hang out with me for a while, won't you?...Good. There's sure to be something in here that will cause you to laugh, scoff, and/or contemplate. Doesn't that sound like fun? Yeah. Yeah, it does, I know. But first, go get a drink - a tall, stiff drink and relax... unless you're at work, in which case, close out all of your ultimately meaningless spreadsheets (and no, I don't care if you're proud that you just learned the =sum() function or if you learned how to color code your numbers. I said close it out, so close it out! In fact, don't even elect to save all changes when you do so. Just fuck it. It can all be done again later. We have far more imortant things to tend to now) and whatever other boring programs you currently have running that make you want to put your computer through a woodchipper, and hang out with Deej for a while. Just make sure you keep a second internet explorer window open to Google.com, with the words "microsoft excel training" typed in the search field. This way, if your boss walks by, you can simply alt+tab over to it to make it seem like you're taking the initiative to hone your computer skills. Then, when the boss passes you by, you can quietly laugh and tell said boss to go fornicate him or her self....Alright, we all settled in? Good. Away we go...



I. MOVIES - HELP THE DAGO GET IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS!



On June 24th, 2009, the movie "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" opened in movie theaters nationwide. To call this thin slice of alien-robot heaven "heavily anticipated" would be an Optimus Prime-sized understatement. "Transformers" had the second biggest five-day box office opening of all time, earning just over $200 million in that time (the only movie to outdo it was last year's "The Dark Knight," which is perfectly acceptable). It also had the biggest opening in the history of IMAX.






Alright, why do I mention all of this? Well, there's a couple reasons. First, I'm the gigantic geek who still has an Optimus Prime action figure in his bedroom on his night table. I keep him there in case of emergency - and by "emergency" I mean "in case I come to discover that the girl I'm making out with in my bed is terrible at performing oral sex, at which point I'll just reach for Optimus Prime and transform him back and forth from truck to robot over and over to keep myself entertained until the girl realizes that I've lost interest and leaves my apartment." Kidding. Kinda. Not really. Anyway, I arbitarily feel as if I've been an honorary autobot since I fell in love with this product line when I was but a wee, uni-browed lad of three years. And as such, I simply feel compelled to boast the successes/triumphs of the franchise that managed to weave itself into the very fabric of the dago you now know and love (or loathe, or feel completely stoic about) today. So that's one reason...



...More relevantly, however, I mention this movie because it's outstanding box office performance so far means that it's gonna be around for a while. It's going to be in theaters well into August. This gives me ample opportunity to see it again and again. And that's what I plan on doing. In fact, consider this blog item the introduction of my campaign to break the world record for "number of times a film is seen by one person during it's initial run in movie theaters." I think I can do it. Unfortunately, I'm currently sitting at a paltry and embarassing TWO viewings. This is where you, reader, become useful. See, I won't see it again by myself. It's not nearly enough fun (Trust me on this; I tried it with the first Transformers movie). So I want to see it with YOU! Yes, you. Whoever you are, I don't care. I have a world record to break here! ('Ugh, Transformers are so stupid, DJ. You're ridiculous. Why would I want to go see that stupid movie with you?!?' Hold on, I got you taken care of). You want incentive, you got it. If you agree to aid me in my quest to become the official biggest Transformers geek of all time, I will not only purchase your ticket, but I will also buy for you TWO drinks of your choice before or after the movie. And as for the movie experience itself, don't worry if you don't like the premise, for watching me become more quitely excited than a gay kid with a popsicle will be worth it alone. So how 'bout it people?!!? Wanna help DJ out? If so, drop me a comment here and let me know. I'll get in touch and we'll figure out details. Also, if you just feel like reminding me that I'm the biggest tool of all time for undertaking such an....ummmm, undertaking, then that's cool too. I'm ready for it. Just remember, if you think the idea of Transformers is cheesy on the surface, you should know that there is more to them than meets.....well, you know.



II. MUSIC - PANDORA. LET DJ THINK OUTSIDE THE "BOX" FOR YOU! (GET IT? LIKE PANDORA'S BOX? NO? YES? NO?)



If you don't know about pandora yet, I humbly suggest to you that perhaps its time to emerge from in that cave or under that rock where you are currently dwelling. Briefly, http://www.pandora.com/ is a website designed to allow you to create radio station(s) (for free, by the way) customized to your musical preferences, the products of which are streamed right through your computer, out into the atmosphere, into your waiting ears, and so on. On the whole, this is a fantastic idea, and the product is absolutely worth your time...if you have the time, that is. It's a lot of fun tweaking the types of songs that will be played on your stations. However, all of this can also become somewhat cumbersome. In order to ideally narrow down the range of music on a particular station to that which you really want, you'll constantly have to monitor the songs the website churns out, making sure to give a "thumbs down" to the tunes that sound to you more like noise than a melody. Otherwise, the website will "think" you like it and will continue to produce similar stuff. So, again, while it's all a really fun idea, who honestly has time to constantly monitor this shit?....



....I do. I just leave my radio station playing all day at work, and every time I hear something that either sucks or just doesn't fit the genre of music to which I'm trying to limit a particular station, I just quickly alt+tab to it (that's two alt+tab references in one blog! You're so impressed), give it a quick thumbs down, and a new song instantly starts up. As of now I have four radio stations on my account that are each taking shape quite nicely as I continue to mold them, and I invite you to come check them out at your leisure by clicking here.



For the sake of brief synopses (and also for the sake of seizing the opportunity to use the fantastic plural word "synopses" in my blog), here are brief descriptions of the stations currently running on my page:

1. DagoRock radio - What I consider my "flagship" station. It's a comprehensive mesh of all the rock music I like. Metal, alternative, southern, grunge, 80's hair/glam, classic/60's and 70's, it's all there. You're likely to hear Credence Clearwater Revival, followed by Rage Against the Machine, the Beatles, Bruce Springsteen, Guns n Roses, Warrant, Weezer, etc. It should have something for everyone.


2. Modern Guilt - As the title suggests, this is my "guilty pleasures" station. Contained within is a bunch of homogenous yet catchy top-40 stuff. Flo Rida, Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Britney Spears, and others of this embarassingly infectious ilk can be found here for your private - very private - enjoyment (Yes, I do realize the irony in me publicizing this information just after saying that it should be private).
3. Songs to Kill People to - I suggest listening to this station if you're either a) getting ready to lift weights, b) are having a really bad day, or c) flexing insatiably into the mirror. This is the brutal stuff. The heavy, nasty, scary shit that makes you feel like your ears are actually getting penetrated without consent..."rape" I think is the word kids are using these days. Yes, this music will rape your ears, and then it'll leave without apologizing or buying you breakfast. Seriously though, it's crazy, but taken in small doses at the right time, this stuff can be downright cathartic. In other words, it can be a great medium for venting your frustration. Mudvayne, White Zombie, Megadeth, Marilyn Manson, Tool, Sepultura, and other demons of rock to be found here.


4. Oldies/Do-Wop Radio - This is dedicated to the happy music that came before the Beatles showed up. I love this shit. In fact, I'm listening to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons do "Walk Like a Man" as I'm writing this. That's what you can expect here. Lots of Elvis, Roy Orbison, the Everly Brothers, Bobby Darin, and other oldies here. This is just fun.

I urge you to go check these out so you can tell me what you think, tell me what you like, give me your suggestions, see if you'd like to create your own station, or - since I like doing it so much - letting me know a different kind of station you'd like so I can just go ahead and make it for you to save you the effort. Such a magnanimous dago I am.... Any way you slice pandora, its really a solid way to share good music, discover new music (or re-discover old goodies), and eliminate crappy music. All good things.

III. SPORTS - STEVE MCNAIR WAS A GREAT QB. EVERYTHING ELSE AINT OUR BIDNISS

Ya know, I was all set to write a sports item detailing how ludicrous the rules of the baseball all-star game are, or how overtly proud we should all be of Andy Roddick, or a million other things. But then Steve McNair's stupid, 20 year-old terrorist girlfriend had to go and kill him and herself. ('DJ she was Iranian! That doesn't make her a terrorist you ignorant asshole! Nyerrr!' Shut up, yes it does). And what necessitated that I drop other sports-related topics in favor of this one was not the terrorist's actions, but moreso the reactions from the sports community that followed.

Let me start by asking - did you happen to see Jeff Fisher's (McNair's former coach from the Tennessee Titans) press conference after he the news of his death? Check it out here. Actually, fast forward to about 1:20 into the video, then start counting how many times Fisher says "The Steve that I knew..." Actually, don't bother trying to count unless you have like a TI-83 graphing calculator with you, because he says that phrase so many times that I think the final count somehow becomes an irrational number - ya know, like the square root of 2. Basically, what this means it that Jeff Fisher was diplomatically admitting "I didn't know shit about the real Steve McNair, who apparently was a deadbeat dad who essentially abandoned his children so he could go diddle a terrorist." I don't fault Fisher for his choice of words. I think he handled the situation admirably. He chose to remember "the Steve he knew" for the loyal team mate, fierce competitor, and MVP-caliber quarterback he was. I don't see anything wrong with that. I think it's important to note/realize that Steve McNair had some pretty abhorrent flaws as a human being, but I also don't think that should tarnish his legacy as a football player...Gosh, ya know, this reminds me of something and someone else I wrote about recently....Man, what was that...

...Oh, right! Michael Jackson! Remember my last blog (and if you don't, go read it!) when I said that it's just in our nature to look past the flaws of influential people so to keep their legacy in tact and that we should employ that philosophy on MJ's behalf as well? Well, this McNair thing is just another sterling example of that concept in action. The guy had a crumby marriage, he cheated on his wife, and he left his kids high and dry. That's despicable, right? Right. Yet his funeral was broadcast on television for the entire country to mourn him, a memorial service was held at the Titans' football stadium so McNair fans could come pay their respects (which they did, and in droves), and every single sports columnist/journalist I've listened to has said quite frankly that it's okay to leave the other details be, and that all we should remember is how he positively impacted the NFL and did his part to make our Sunday afternoons more exciting. So, I'm just sayin', if my Benjamin Franklin/Thomas Jefferson examples didn't work for ya last week, maybe this considerably less monumental one one will. If we can choose to remember McNair (who by and large had far less positive influence on humanity than Michael Jackson did) in a positive light despite his disappointing shortcomings, why can't we do so for MJ? Answer me that, Jacskon haters.... Oh, and if you still have your calculator in your hands, type in 58008 then flip it upside down....Hilarious, right?...

IV. A CONUNDRUM OF VOCABULARY

They say - "they" being the same abstract, intangible folks who tell us to drink five to eight glasses of water a day, exercise for 30 minutes a day, and exercise protected sex (each of which is ridiculous, by the way. That much water will make you constantly pee/feel bloated, 30 minutes is not nearly enough time to make a noticebale difference, and standard methods of protected sex are not nearly as much fun as pulling out) - that English is the most difficult language to master, and this case, I dare say "they" are correct. And I can prove it with one example - did you know the word "cleave" can mean either a) to split apart, or b) to bond together? I'm not kidding. If you need proof, just take a look at dictionary.com's definitions and see for yourself. Could you imagine trying to teach this to a foreigner for the first time? It's like saying "Ok, now 'up' means 'up' but it also means 'down.' Does that make sense to you?" I know that if this lingual rubix cube was introduced to me at any time before my, say, 25th birthday or so, my brain would not have been developed enough to handle it, the veins in my temples would instantly rupture, and I'd collapse, lifeless, with blood and other various fluids oozing from my eyes, ears, nose, and probably my grundle as well.

Furthermore, what do you call words such as these (presuming there is more than one of them)? We have "homophones", which are words that sound the same but have different meanings and are sometimes spelled differently, such as 'bare' and 'bear.' Ok, no problem with those. We also have "heteronyms," which are words that are spelled the same but which sound different and have different meanings, such as 'Polish' and 'polish.' Great, got it.....So what the fuck do we call words that are spelled the same, sound the same, but which have not just different, but completely opposite meanings? Is there even a word for it? I can't imagine that there is. With that in mind, I nominate that we add either "cleave-onyms" or "ridiculo-phones" to our vernacular. Honestly, this whole irrational concept has me upset and confused. It will cleave to my mind all day to the point where I want to cleave my own arm off. (See???!? My apologies if that sentence almost made your head explode). Cleave cleave cleave cleave cleave....That's it, I'm moving to Italy. Shit has got to make more sense there.

V. A COMEDIAN WITH WHOM YOU SHOULD FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF

Greg Giraldo. He partakes in all the Comedy Central "roasts." I just saw him at Helium Comedy Club in Philly on 7/10, and I genuinely started to spasm from laughing so hard. As long as you're not too uptight and can handle a little brutally honest and sarcastic irreverance, you'll love this guy (and if you can't handle it/don't think its funny, I suggest you lighten up a bit). Check his website out to see if you recognize him, or better yet, check out some of his stuff on youtube here. In case you're wondering, no, it's not safe for work.

VI. RANDOM NOTES: I LOVE MY COUNTRY

Do yourself a favor and check out this story. That's right, some dumb bitch in New York fell down a manhole while walking and texting. And now her family is planning to sue (of course). Ya know, I don't even care who's right and wrong here, I just mention this because it's really funny to think about, and because it adds even more credence to my theory that the overwhelming majority of people from New York are morons. Don't believe me? - GO THERE.

Congratulations going out today to the fine folks of Des Moines, Iowa as it appears that the city is getting closer to repealing a law that currently forbids any and all public dancing between the hours of 2am-6am. That's right, you can get arrested in Des Moines for dancing at 2:01am. The article I read even features this gem "...the law shows that we aren't keeping up with the times." Really? You don't say!

VII. FOOD - CHIMA BRAZILIAN STYLE STEAKHOUSE. PREPARE TO LOOSEN YOUR BELT

If you're not familiar with how Brazilian steakhouses operate, just think of it as a cavalcade of various luscious meats aggressively marauding its way into your mouth, and which will only cease its swift advance if you somehow manage to muster the willpower to tell them to stop. It's the greatest yet potentially most lethal dinner concept ever. The last time I went to Chima (located at 1901 JFK Blvd. in downtown Philly, not far from the Franklin. Check the site here.), I only eventually forced myself to leave for fear that the lining of my stomach was legitimately about to tear open and that I would collapse in the middle of the restaurant, still helplessly trying to scrape more steak into my mouth as I fall gluttunously and unceremoniously from my chair.

Don't let that scare you though. Go to Chima. Revel in its limitless bounty. Not only are the many different kinds of steaks (and sausage, pork, and chicken choices) endless in quantity, they are also each very good. And you never have to wait long for more once the food starts coming!Waiter after waiter after waiter emerges from the kitchen brandishing a sword - there's probably a better name for the thing they're holding, but essentially it's a sword - in one hand, upon which is impaled a large hunk of meat, and a carving knife in the other. They will each come to your table and ask if you'd like some of what they have on their respective sword of awesomeness (a hint: say "yes" a lot). If you're picky about eating your meats rare/well/whatever, the waiters will also ask you from which area of the hunk of meat you would prefer he cut your portion as some areas are cooked well, others rare, and everywhere in between. Amazing, right?

If and when you do decide to go there, here are some tips:

1. They offer you a salad/soup buffet to start along with some bread. SKIP THIS ENTIRELY. You'll be full before the meat comes, and then you'll be sorry.


2. Despite my previous hint in the above paragraph, remember to say no if you see the same cut of meat coming around to your table twice. Trust me, there is enough variety to keep you guessing until you're good and full.


3. Drink lots of red wine. Just because its awesome.


4. For the ladies/gays: Do NOT look in the mirror naked or get on a scale when you get home. You will not like what you see.

As long as you obey those guidelines, you should be fine. But still, you might die from eating too much. This is why they should invent dress pants featuring elastic waists.

Alright, I think that'll be all for now. Thanks for reading. Drop me a line, offer suggestions, rip me to pieces, whatever, it's all encouraged. See you next time.

DJ