Some notes on football. Sorry, ladies.

I. THE NFL AFTER WEEK 2: BALANCE IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST THING

Like most professional sports in America, for several years the National Football League has been striving for parity, which is to say, balanced competition between teams. This is done by tinkering with contract policies, salary caps, and all the other financial minutae about which I happily lack a firm understanding. Suffice it to say that by hook or by ladder (get it?), the NFL wants all its games/teams to be consistently competitive, thus leaving the door equally open for teams/markets of all sizes, from Dallas down to Jacksonville, to win a championship. And judging from what I saw in 2008 (more on that in just a moment), and what I've seen so far in 2009, I dare say the NFL has pretty much gotten its wish. We still have a few dominant teams and our bottom-feeders, sure, but generally, the league has become more balanced. This is a good thing, right?... I used to think so, but too often these days I find myself wondering if this balance has come about at the expense of quality football. In other words, it seems there is a ton of mediocrity in the NFL, and I'm not so sure that's a good thing, even if it is more balanced.

Consider the evidence. In 2008, the NFC's representative in the Super Bowl came down to a contest between a team that finished 9-7 in a piss poor division (The Arizona Cardinals from the NFC West), and a 9-6-1 team who tied the freakin' Bengals and only made the playoffs because of a fluke miracle upset by the Raiders in the final week of the season (The Philadelphia Eagles). I'm a die hard Eagles fan, and so it's tough to admit, but neither of these teams were all that good in 2008. Arizona beat up on weak competition, still merely limped into the playoffs, and rode one player (Fitzgerald) to a conference title, and the Eagles, well, the Eagles took advantage of an inexperienced Vikings team and the suddenly befuddled New York Giants after losing their star receiver, Plaxico Burress, to get to the conference title game. Neither team really consistently exhibited good, sound, quality football last season. So while that conference title game was back and forth, high scoring, competitive, and mostly entertaining, it kinda looked pathetic next to the Cowboys/Giants/Redskins/49ers games of the late 80's and early 90's. Either the '08 Cards or '08 Eagles would have gotten absolutely ass-raped against any of these erstwhile powerhouses. It just makes me think that, generally, teams are able to win/compete these days despite putting a sub-par product out on the field. And that doesn't make me happy.

And look at what we have this year. Looking around the entire league, how many teams would you consider to be "scary," as in "I really don't want my team to have to face that team." I count three, and only three: the Baltimore Ravens, the New York Giants, and the New Orleans Saints. That's it. Two teams with no-doubt-about-it awesome defenses (despite each looking somewhat vulnerable in week 2), and one with an equally terrifying offense. Everyone else? - ehh, bring it on. The Patriots are exponentially softer than they were a few years ago, same goes for Indy, the Steelers don't score enough points and I've yet to figure out how that fucking team has won twice in the past four years, Dallas chokes, Philly chokes, Favre sucks, the Pack just got humbled at home by the friggin' Bungles, Panthers stink, the Falcons aren't there yet, the Cardinals are overrated, so are the Chargers, the Dolphins were a flash in the pan, yadda yadda yadda... Nobody's really that good. So what we're left with is a bunch of tight-fisted affairs that are not that exciting because, to quote legendary dodgeball coach and five-time ADAA all-star Patches O'Houlihan, "It's like watchin' a bunch of retards trying to fuck a door knob out there!"

I find myself longing for the old days when you had nearly indestructible teams regularly stomping the competition, which inevitably made it even more gratifying when they were taken out. To use my favorite team as an example again, I bet everyone who's been watching Philly football for the last 15 years or more remembers with much more delight the game where we stuffed Emmitt Smith and the mighty Cowboys on 4th and 1 TWICE to secure the victory than they do our playoff win over Minnesota last year. I bet the regular season game when we beat Dallas by picking off Aikman in the end zone and watching as Troy Vincent ran it all the way back to the house resonates with you more warmly than when we smacked around the G-men in the playoffs last year. And this is regular season vs. playoffs I'm talkin 'bout here! It should be the other way around. But it isn't! And you know why? - because when we beat Dallas, we were knocking off the best. That was David vs Goliath stuff. We had to be awesome, almost perfect to win those games, and so when it happened, it was genuinely unbelieveable. It's more memorable that way. I think a league dynamic like that is more fun; when you have a healthy crop of awesome teams, and then everyone striving to be this year's Cinderella so to take a run at the big boys. It's better than watching the 7-8 Chargers play for their division's championship (insert dry-heaving sound here) like they did in 2008. Uuuugh.

If you still don't believe me, go to a bar that shows every game next Sunday, and watch as much as you can without getting bored/sick (not counting your home team's game, of course). You won't last long. If you come across Miami, Washington, St Louis, Seattle, Carolina, Tampa Bay, Chicago, Detroit, Oakland, Kansas City, Denver, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Cleveland, or Cincinnatti, you'll likely quickly opt to go outside and watch the grass grow instead, because its just as exciting. And often times, the teams I left out can be boring as shit, too.

The NFL needs to be more like Major League Baseball. The big leagues are so great because we have villains like the Red Sox and Yankees - the indestructible empires that always pose a major threat. That's why its always such a big deal when they get beaten. (Quick side note: The Mets should be like this also with all the money they throw around. However, this is not the case. To Mets fans, this is because they are so riddled with injuries. To everyone else with half a brain, it's because of injuries and because they suck big floppy donkey dick. Ok, back to football). The NFL on the other hand, though clinging to the Patriots and Steelers I guess, doesn't have that. The NFL has like 29 Seattle Mariners, and 3 Detroit Tigers teams. Overwhelmingly homogenous and mediocre, with a few barely superior exceptions. Bleh.

One last note: The wildcat offense is fucking stupid. Period.

Alright, this one was short and sweet. More to come soon.

DJ