THE WORLD SERIES 2009 Let me get my prediction out of the way. To put it simply, it's more than just cute to say it's the "champs" versus the "bums." It's also practical. The Yankees have no idea what they're in for. Phillies in 5.
If you're a typical pinstripe-toting Yankee super-fan who feels your favorite team's history of success - much of which happened when your grandparents were children - justifies you strutting around arrogantly like you yourself actually played a part in winning those championships, and you find yourself laughing at my prediction, just keep reading! I'm gonna have plenty more for you to laugh at. It's not hard making idiots laugh.
Ok, that's as evil as I'm going to get actually (no its not), despite having involuntarily stumbled upon this heaping pile of journalistic gar-baaah-ge - http://www.newyorkpost.com/p/news/local/the_frillies_are_coming_to_town_mnrbqD4sqsEKH10TfB3k6H
. And trust me, after reading it, you'll realize that I use the adjective "journalistic" very, very loosely. If you didn't read it/don't feel like reading, let me summarize it for you in one concise and accurate thought: "utter dogshit." There you have it. That best describes the article.
For the hell of it though, let's dissect this abortion of an article from this abortion of a newspaper (The New York Post is like the Mets of New York newspapers - even shittier and even more unjustifiably ignorant and elitist than it's bigger brother). First, let's address the headline, particularly the bottom right portion that says "Victorino a slugger? Right!" Now, it's one thing to essentially/sarcastically say another team's standout players "suck" - which we all do, and just because they're on the other team -but seriously, we never really think these athletes actually suck...unless we're talking about A-Rod of course. I don't care how many times they show Kate Hudson smiling in the stands, after every Yankees win that man has one thing and one thing only on his mind, and that's fellating Derek Jeter in the clubhouse. Even Yankee fans know I'm right on this one. Remember when Posada hit that homer to tie the game 3 in Anaheim, and A-Rod burst out of the dugout to congratulate him, but not before getting two big palms-full of Derek Jeter's ass on his way up the steps? Yeah, you're shaking your head because you remember.... Wait, you don't? Oh, okay, then just go here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZfqjXcD7Dw - and skip to the 30 second mark. I apologize that the video starts off with some weird club music thing going on and that it features Spanish commentary, but the slow-mo makes this thing hilarious. A-Rod is STARING right at Jeter's behind and makes a bee-line for it. He's more locked in there than he is at the plate. God, what a homo A-Rod is ('Deej, you're getting WAY off track here...' Right, sorry.) Anyway, about Victorino. So it seems New Yorkers, or at least their genius writers at the Post, don't seem to think Shane-o can play. That's interesting. Ya know, I bet you I can find at least one person - one, fat, sloppy, fastball-hurling person- in New York who would disagree. After all, this IS the same Shane Victorino who hit a grand slam off Chicken Cheeseteak Sabathia (CC, get it?) in the post-season one year ago. What's the matter, New York, did you forget about that? Hmmmm? ('No, asshole. We didn't forget. But CC's a different pitcher now! A better pitcher!' Waaa!' Uh-huh, okay. Well he still looks like the same fat, sloppy mess to me). Clearly, this headline is a sign of the nonsense to come within the article itself... And regarding this premonition I say only come on New York!, say you're better, say you'll win, whatever, but don't take shots at Mr. Hawaii 5-OH!, especially when they make you look as stupid and ignorant as you claim Philly is, and especially when the center fielder in question is light years better than your center fielder (quick, fraudulent Yankee fans - particularly the girls -how long did it take you to think of who your own center fielder is? 5 seconds? 10? You thought Bernie Williams first, didnt you? Don't lie to me....It's Melky Cabrera, people. And he stinks. He's neither flyin' nor Hawaiian).
Moving on, the (rancid) meat of article quotes several Yankee fans who spew out the recycled, hackneyed Philly-bashing garbage we've been hearing for decades. How is it that despite being so close to us, so many Noo Yawkuhs still don't seem to know what a hoagie is? And why is it that they all love to talk about how gross cheesesteaks are, but every time I go to a Phillies/Mets game, the only times I don't hear the bitter Mets fans whining about injuries is when they're all smashing their 4th place faces into a fuckin' cheesesteak? ('Ok, well Mets and Yankees fans are a different breed! We're better!' That's cute. But no you're not. You've all put yourselves on an artificial pedastal, like the sports world owes you something just because you're from New York, or more accurately for many of you, from some dirty part of North Jersey while claiming to be from New York, cuz that makes you look cool....).
But it doesn't end there. There's also all the typical stuff about Philly fans throwing beer (or fists) at opposing team's fans all the time, which all the distinguished gentlemen from the Bronx apparently feel is just uncivilized and "classless." (Insert scoffing noise here). Hey, we can't all be sophisticated and reverant enough to wear Roger Clemens jerseys, then go home and beat our wives because she doesn't think 'The Godfather' is the best movie ever made (See? I can stereotype, too!). Don't get me wrong, throwing booze and knocking people out at sports games is a practice that even I - one of the most avid and diehard Philly sports fans alive today - would never condone (at least not anymore!) as it's simply not worth the wasted energy, and it's certainly never worth the wasted beer. But here's the thing, out of all the Philly sports games I've been to in my life (way too many to number), very, very rarely has there been a time when an opposing team's fan has gotten anything worse than routine heckling at a game unless he's drunk and brings it on himself. I mean, if you go to an Eagles game with your shiny new Tony Romo jersey on and start spouting off about how much McNabb sucks, what the fuck do you think is gonna happen? You think you're gonna get a handshake and have us tell you you're right? Such is the height of ignorance. As far as I'm concerned, d-bags like that deserve to get their asses kicked. The point is this: the apparent classless behavior of Philly sports fans that people - typically naive New Yorkers - love to rag on is often times - not always, but often - simply the warranted response to obnoxious visitors who, if nothing else, are ruining the game for everyone else. If you think all this is fabricated and that I'm spinning all of this to make Philly seems nicer than it really is, let me ask you something: have you ever worked for the Eagles on game day?...I didn't think so. I have, so I know what it's like more than you do. And lastly, regarding fan conduct during games, I have spoken many a time with proud Yankee fans who triumphantly tell tales of setting children's Boston Red Sox caps on FIRE in the stands during a game at Yankee stadium. Now, while that's actually kinda hilarious, it's also a lot worse than throwing beer on someone, no? I mean, one of those courses of action a) makes a kid cry, b) permanently ruins an article of clothing, and c) presents the possibility of burning someone/something, while other course of action a) gets you wet. You tell me who's worse, fuckin' hypocrites ('Ok, that's only one instance you've heard about.' Yeah, well, in all likelihood, same goes for you regarding our fans, so suck it).
To keep with the theme of classlessness, allow me now to address something outside the realm of the public, printed word, and instead focus on the exclusively electronic word intended for an equally exclusive audience. In other words, this is where I'm gonna start firing back at all the fuckin' Yankee fan facebook friends of mine. You know who you are. If you have ever posted, or even so much as thought of something like this - "Hey Philly, now you have to beat a REAL team from a REAL city to win a World Series" - then I'm talking to you. And you, people, are acting pathetic, and I've already spent some time laughing mockingly at you. Allow me to explain... Last year we beat the Rays in swift fashion to win the World Series. But apparently they weren't a real team, huh? Well, New York, maybe you shouldn't have let them steam-roll you in the regular season then, huh? I mean, if they're not a real team and if Tampa is not a real city, shouldn't you have finished better than them in the regular season instead of letting them bitch-slap you around your own division? The point is - don't fuckin' tell me about beating a real team from a real city, when last year you yourselves couldn't even get past them to make the playoffs. It's not our fault they won the pennant - it's YOURS. They just happened to be in our way. Don't make the mistake of thinking we didn't want the Yankees or Red Sox last year, either. We would have loved it. And I'm not gonna sit here and say I guarantee we would have won against New York or Boston, but still, don't blame us for beating who happened to show up. At least this year you did something about that, so I'll give you credit for that. But only that.
I realize that the style of this little blog response of mine brings with it the risk of making me look like a Philly fan laden with this "New York inferiority complex" I keep hearing so much about, and I'm sure that's how many/all Yankee fans who read this will interpret it. All I can say to them is that this has nothing to do with me. Rather, I just felt it was time for people to fire back at you at your incessantly uneducated and annoying insults, not to mention latent insecurity this year ('Insecurity? Us? Are you joking? No, I'm not joking). Never before (save for possibly the 2000 Mets series) have I seen so many bitter and insulting Yankee-related comments towards their World Series opponents. Now some may argue that the geographical proximity of this year's opponent just makes it more fun, but I suggest otherwise. I think that since we're so close geographically, it scares Yankee fans to death of what they'll hear if and when they lose. Seriously, how much Yankee trash-talk do you remember hearing, and how many caustic and derisive articles do you remember reading heading into the 2001 showdown with Arizona? Or the 2003 affair with the Marlins? Little to none, right? Right. Well, that's because Florida and Arizona aren't exactly close to the big apple, and so Yankee fans feel safe. Good thing, too, cuz they got spanked in both of those series, but that's neither here nor there. But, just as in 2000, here in 2009 someone right next door is threatening to unseat them from the artificial throne they placed themselves on, and they respond the only way they know how - by putting down the other team, and in this case, their city, all in an effort to comfort themselves. There's no respect here. There's no sportsmanship coming from up north. Just bitterness. Just thinly veiled insecurity. Just all the things they accuse Philly of being. Just a sense of mocking they feel is their duty as New York Yankee fans. And in this I see very high comedy. And I laugh as I look down upon you from the championshiop throne that this team and this city earned the right on which to place itself one year ago tomorrow (10/27).
Regarding the games themselves, and now it's time for some actual baseball talk, here's how I see things shaking out:
- Game 1: Both starting pitchers have been sensational, but call me crazy, I like Cliff Lee here, if for no other reason than the Phils got to Sabathia last year, and so there's no reason to think we can't do it again. Plus, with the way Howard is swinging the bat, he and Utley are gonna make someone sitting in that hitter's paradise of a right field a lot of ebay money by providing them so many World Series home run balls to sell.
- Game 2: Im guessing Hamels will start, and I'm guessing he'll give up some more homers. Too tough to think you can sweep in New York. Yankees will take this one.
- Games 3, 4, and 5: Phillies just don't lose at home. In fact, we're good anywhere. We're the first team in Major League history to win 16 of 20 post season games. How's that for analysis? And when it's over, you're gonna see Chase Utley holding up the MVP trophy.
Alright, so there's my response. Bring it on, bombers. We've been waiting for you. And we're foaming at the mouth. Taking 2 out of 3 from you in your own house earlier this year wasn't enough for anybody. We want more. And we're gonna fucking take it. We're gonna keep our real title as world's best, and we're gonna steal your fake self-proclaimed title as world's best as well. And I, for one, can't wait. Not even Jay-Z and his new vomit-inducing NY anthem about how pretty the lights are and how he made Yankee hats famous can help you.
Thanks for dropping in folks. Til next time, let's play ball,
DJ
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