Dago Awards: The Best/Worst of 2009, and Other Miscellany

Ya know, there are many times when I look back at the events of yesteryear ('I hate that word.' Me too, let me fix it...) Ya know, there are many times when I look back on the events of the past ('better'), and for one reason or another, I have trouble remembering in what year certains things happened. For example, I often can't remember in what year I went to what bar for someone's birthday party, I can't remember the year in which a particular movie was released or a given sports team won a championship (other than 2008 of course. Go Phils), etc. You get the idea. So with that in mind, I thought it might be fun to highlight some of the more notable events, achievements, topics of dago-discussion, and the like from 2009 and brand them unto my memory by immortalizing them with a list of arbitrary awards - awards for which I may use conclusive terminology like "most", "definitive," and other words that signify the result of judicious deliberation, but about which I've really not thought about at all. In other words, this is going to be very stream-of-consciousness and poorly thought out, which I think will lead to more fun and comedic award categories and such. Let's find out, shall we?...


I. THE KELLY CLARKSON AWARD FOR "BIGGEST GUILTY PLEASURE SONG" 2009 - "PARTY IN THE USA" by Miley Cyrus


Go ahead, pretend you don't leave this song on every time you hear it in your car. I used to deny it to, but there's no use. Once you get past the awful lyrics ("Nodding my head like yeeeah! Shaking my hips like yeeeah!" So young, but oh so profound you are Miley!), which may take a while, you'll give in. I think I first realized this on New Year's eve. It's 11:59pm, I'm obviously already feeling comfortably numb ('Pink Floyd!' Relax, it's just a cool phrase) at a bar with a pretty decent crowd, and we're all watching the tv screens and counting down as the ball drops. Inattentive in my considerably intoxicated condition, I lost interest around 7! or 6! or so, stopped counting, and started chugging my drink. But then, when the 2010 logo lit up and everyone started cheering, the dj at this particular bar ('Isn't this your cue to make a lame joke about how your name is also DJ?' No, I haaaaaaaaaate that) decided to buck tradition and abandon "Auld Lang Syne" in favor of, of course, "Party in the USA." The moment I recognized the song, with neither the capacity nor intention for restraint, I slammed my drink down on the table and started dancing like....well, like a drunk white guy - which is to say, enthusiastically, albeit spastically and in a manner that puts those in my immediate surroundings in mortal danger.


I think it was about halfway through the song when I stopped - sluggish and breathless from all the food and drink I had just rammed into my face - and thought to myself, "Oh my God, I just got excited for a fuckin' Miley Cyrus song. What the hell is wrong with me?!?" Now, I was in the immediate vicinity of a couple legitimately homosexual guys, so I realized that the completely rational possibility exists that I got some of their gay on me when I shook their hands earlier that night ('Are you fucking kidding me? What - diseases are contagious, aren't they? haha, kidding). But I don't think that explains it. I just think this song, no matter who you are and what music you like, is a perfect guilty pleasure. There's no rhyme or reason as to why some songs fit this mold, they just do. Typically, they're bad songs that you ('Do you mean the royal you?' Yes, thank you) find strangely catchy and infectious, and I can't imagine "Party in the USA" not striking everyone as exactly that.


Two final notes before moving on: some other notable guilty pleasures are "Miss Independent" by Kelly "I've turned into a fucking moo-cow" Clarkson, "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce, "Just Like a Pill" AND "So What" by Pink, and "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry. If I left any out, lemme know!.... And secondly, my forthcoming award descriptions will not be as long as this one, so no worries....


II. THE HERMIONE GRANGER AWARD FOR "NEWCOMER OF THE YEAR ONTO THE 'NEEDS TO GET IT FROM DJ' LIST" 2009 - TAYLOR SWIFT


No no no, you belong with me, Taylor....(Get it?)


And she's, what, 19? Day-amn, that almost makes wanting to nail her feel wrong. Awesome, but still wrong. Still, if I got Taylor all to myself for the night, the sex would be.....wait for it....you know it's coming....swift (ba-dum, cha!)





III. COREY HAIM AWARD FOR "UNDERACHIEVER OF YEA...NAY, CENTURY!" - JOSH DUHAMEL


Why? Because Fergie's face becomes more grotesquely contorted and mushed and awful and gross and disgusting and gross by the minute. And I'm sorry guys, no ass in the universe can completely make up for that mug. Uck....Yes, u-c-k, uck.


It's such a shame too, for he's one of the better looking dudes in Hollywood these days, and he was in "Transformers" for Christ's sake! He's so close to being completely awesome! But no, he had to go get himself love-drunk of her fuckin' lady humps. So sad....Not to mention that he's in some new chick flick with the celestially beautiful and virtually flawless Kristen Bell (aka "Sarah Marshall"), with whom he would have made a fine real-life partner, and to whom the tabloids and Perez Hiltons and of the world could lovingly and conveniently refer to as "DuhaBell." That would have been better. And they would have gotten married on top of a mountain, and they're children would have formed a family band that toured the countryside, and the Black Eyed Peas wouldn't have been invited! ('To be clear, that last little rant was from Anchorman, right? Right).


IV. THE JAMEER NELSON AWARD FOR "ATHLETE WHO DJ THANKS GOD FOR" 2009- TRACY PORTER (CB, New Orleans Saints)



Because he's the guy that picked off Brett Favre. Die, Brett Favre. Die slowly. But die.








V. THE RODNEY KING AWARD FOR "WORD, PHRASE, OR OTHER VERBAL INSTITUTION THAT HAS BEEN BEATEN VERY BADLY AND NOW JUST REALLY, REALLY NEEDS TO GO AWAY" 2009 - THE INCORRECT USE OF THE WORD "RANDOM"


As far as I'm concerned, this word has been raped. And not like your harmless, every day, friendly, just-sayin'-hey rape (Harmless? You're an asshole! Yup. But rape jokes are funny). I'm talkin' like angry, dirty, back alley, I'm-also-gonna-steal-your-ipod-when-I'm-done rape. Folks, "unexpected" and "random" are two very different words with two very different meanings. For example, hypothetically, if you're sitting around talking about/listing your favorite movies, and someone says "I really like 'The Cowboy Way' with Keifer Sutherland and Woody Harrelson," that's not random. It's unexpected, and in this particular case maybe a bit ridiculous as well. But there was obviously a deliberate selection process involved there with a specific goal in mind - naming a favorite movie. That's not random. Random would be the following:


Person a: "Name any movie ever."
Person b: "'The Cowboy Way' with Keifer Sutherland and Woody Harrelson."


Get it? There's no selection process, no process of elimination, no nothing. Just a blind selection. Ponder this example, learn from it, and please, apply what you learn to your normal conversational speech, and let's try to restore "random" to its rightful place as a respectable player in the English language.


Previous words, phrases, or socially accepted verbal institutions that have needed to go away include: "You go girl," "Is that your final answer?," "Buuuuuurn!," "Catch you on the flip side," "E.V.O.O.," and "psyche!"


Did I miss any? Let me know.


VI. THE BRETT FAVRE "YOU'RE THE WORST EVER. FUCK YOU. MAKE UP YOUR MIND" AWARD 2009 - JAY LENO



Quick, somebody name something worthwhile that Jay Leno brings to the table!...I'll wait.... Ok who are we kidding, we could be here for months before we get an answer, and even then it would be forced. Why? - because Jay Leno is a fat, talentless hack who had to rely on Hugh Gran'ts libido and other people's misspelled newspaper headlines to appear hip and funny for the past decade. And now he's gone and wiped the funniest man in late night from the schedule. Fuck you, Jay Leno.


That about sums up my thoughts on Jay. But before I go further, on a brighter note, don't you think it would be funny if SNL ('You still watch SNL? Yeah, ya know what, I do. Andy Samberg, Kristin Wiig, and Seth Meyers are legitimately funny sometimes, so suck it) did a skit that featured Jay Leno and Brett Favre trying to order food at a restaurant?:



Jay: "I might just get an appetizer. I want to be done before it gets late."


Brett: "I want the filet. I love the filet with all my heart (starts to well up). I'd do anything for the filet..but...but I...but I just don't know if I can handle it anymore. Either my body or my mind. I might need to put on my Wranglers and think about this while sitting on the flatbed of my truck with my dog."


Jay: "Maybe you can just get the filet as an appetizer. I mean, there's nothing wrong with doing the exact same thing, just at an earlier time and telling everyone it's something new."



Brett: "You're right. I do want the filet. But I don't want to eat it here anymore. I want to eat at a whole new table with all new waiters and bus boys. But only after I tell our waiter here that I'm not going to eat at all."



I'll stop there, but you get the idea. That could be funny I think...But still, fuck Jay Leno.


Alright, that's enough for now. More awards to come if I ever think of any. Otherwise, I'll be back soon. 'Til next time.


DJ