HOWEVER! (And there it is) There's more. Not only did I get artwork made up for t
his stunning piece of aesthetic and artistic genius, I've already thrown it onto t-shirts! That's right, motherfuckers, the dago has crossed into four-digit readership (And in just a shade under two and a half years. Congratulations, jackass), and I've decided to commemorate said mini-milestone by merchandising. Take a look at the pic on the right (and click on it for a larger view! Yeah!). You know you want one. Come on, you know you do. And when you come to grips with that, just lemme know and a t-shirt you shall receive.Alright, enough of this shit. Let's go discuss inconsequential things like usual, huh? Sound good? I thought so. Off we go:
I. STARTING OFF WITH A VERY, VERY, VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION
Soooooo, is Casey Anthony still technically a milf?
Think about that one for a minute. If you're disgusted, my job is done.
II. IN THE END IT'S ALL "FINE"
I think "fine" may be my least favorite word in the english language. It used to be the word "no," but when women kept saying that to me, I eventually just decided to start hearing the word "yes" instead, and everything, ya know, just kinda works itself out, usually because I'm physically stronger than them (Just checking - joking? Yes, joking. Jesus, relax).
Anyway, so speaking of women, they're actually the sole reason that "fine" isn't fine at all. In other words, guys listen up, if/when you get to that point of your relationship with your lady friend where she starts to regularly and abruptly end your arguments or acquiesce to your preferences by using this word, look out. She's nearing the end of her rope. An example:
- Dude: "Babe, remember I told you a week ago that I told the guys I'd play poker with them this Thursday, just like I do every Thursday?"
- Bitch: "Oh.... but I thought... maybe... Ya know what, nevermind."
- Dude: "What's the matter? Are you angry?"
- Bitch: "No. It's fine. I'm fine. We can do my thing next Thursday..." (walks out and slams door)
- Dude: "Wait but I'll be (door slams) playing poker next Thursday..." (hangs head and takes deep breath)
See what I mean? She's nearing the edge, motherfucker! You can tell! On the other hand, if she had just responded by saying something like, "Oh, right I forgot. Well hey, can you skip it this one time? It'd mean a lot to me", like she would have during the honeymoon phase, I guaran-damn-tee you any boyfriend in the world worth his salt would drop the poker game and hang out with his lady.
I'm tellin' ya. "Fine" is the beginning of the end. And it starts popping up everywhere... "Work was fine," "No that's fine, let's go see Wolverine," "You want me from behind? Again? Ok, that's fine," and maybe the worst one is when you try to make compromising plans - "It's fine, let's just go!" If you've heard anything like this over the past month or two dudes, get your shit together and brace yourself. You're about to be back on the market.
III. A FEW SHORT SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE
Kate: "Deej, can you remember a long number for me?"
DJ: "As long as it isn't pi, yes."
DJ: "Yo, how many people do you think left the theater after seeing 'Inception' saying "(gasp), Oh my God, so the whole thiiiiing was a dreeeeeam!!!"
Bill (shaking his head in disgust): "Too many... and most of them were women."
IV. THE SMALLER JUNGLE CATS DONT FEEL SHIT
Think back to the last time you were at the zoo. Hopefully it wasn't all that long ago because the zoo is awesome. Animals, by and large, are hilarious (Are you giggling while reminiscing right now about the staring contast you had with the giraffe who was trying to chew a tree branch? Yes. Yes I am), and beyond that, you're almost guaranteed to learn something new and interesting every time you go.
What I learned last time is that there's something fishy going on in the wild cat section. And I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. Let me ask you something - what do you notice about all the caged animals (reptiles excluded) whenever you're at the zoo?.... They're all clearly drugged up/tranquilized to a degree/sedated/whatever, right? Right.
And it's easy to see. There's no other explanation, really. I mean, when I was growing up, I was always taught that kangaroos routinely like to jump/bounce. Therefore, it was rather disappointing to discover that the Philadelphia kangaroos spend their days laying spread-eagle on their backs, drueling, weezing, and obviously struggling to breathe. The most I ever get out of them is a sort-of peripheral gaze that seems to say, "Hey, you with the eyebrows. These bastards gave me the elephant's dosage of sedative today, and I can't move. If you could go get me a Kit-Kat, chew it up for me since my jaw is numb, then drizzle it into my mouth, that'd be great. Otherwise, get lost." Saddened by this virtual exchange, I typically choose to get lost...
And the rhinos are so fuckin' stoned that when they locate you and walk toward you at a pace of about one yard/hour, to them it actually feels like they're charging full-speed at you - "I'm gonna geeeeeeet yoooouuuuuu, heeeey wheeeeere'd you gooooooo?"
(Ummm, are you gonna relay to us what you think every animal you mention is saying? Yup.)
You get the idea. It's the same all over the zoo......except for where they keep the fuckin' pumas and cheetahs and the other, swifter jungle cats. Always, always, always when I walk by their glass enclosures I can feel the message in their lurid, yellow death-cat eyes - "You DO realize that the only thing stopping me from eating your lungs out through your asshole is a few inches of glass. Get the fuck away from me, hairball...Right now." And I usually obey and carry on.
The few times I do stick around a few seconds more, I just end up confirming my suspicions. If I stay and look around, and even so much as approach the glass, they start moving. Then sometimes the fangs come out. That usually coincides with when pee comes out...of me, that is. And then I run.
It's curious then, when I next get to the lion and bengal tiger areas, they're all, "Heeeeeey, duuuuude, it's you again! What's been goin' on, buddy? I heard you just pissed off Carlos the puma again. Man, he wants to eeeeat yoooouuuuuu, hehehehe. Don't worry. Just hop on over the fence and come on in here with us. We were just thinking of ordering some chinese and watchin' a 'Queer Eye' marathon for a few hours....No? You gotta go?Aiiight, man. Take 'er easy."
They're all tame because they're all drugged.....except the fuckin' pumas. And also I can tell what they're all saying.
V. QUICK HITTERS PART ONE
- Using the term "dee-lish!" to describe something sexy/sassy/etc. is gayer than two guys having sex.
- I have always hated and will always hate the phrase "rough and tumble." It doesn't make any fucking sense. It's consistently used as a singular thought to describe someone or something. Words that describe things are called adjectives. "Tumble" is a fucking verb. And it's not hyphenated, so it's can't be perceived as a singularly descriptive term like "rub-and-tug" (love those, by the way). So...I mean....what the fuck? You can't use that word to describe anything! Imagine if you tried? - "Hey Deej, what do you think of that Tom Hanks fella?" "Hmmm, good question. He seems pretty tumble to me. And I like that. Such a tumble guy, Tom Hanks." I know...fuckin' retarded.
- If someone with a camera came up to me as I was drinking my morning Dunkin' Donuts coffee and asked me, "Hey, what are ya drinkin'?", I'd look at them incredulously, look down at my cup, look back the person, and scoff, "Coffee, asshole. What do you think I'm drinkin'?" I sure as shit wouldn't smirk happily and say, "Hey, I'm drinkin' Dunkin'!" Those commercials are stooooopid.
- Whoever is the stand-in/stunt-double for Edward James Almos on movie sets should call himself Edward James Almost.
- So, Roger Ebert didn't care for the latest Transformers movie. Well, guess what - Roger Ebert doesn't have a face anymore. It's just mangled mush. So he can go ahead and stick his "two thumbs up" his fuckin' ass. Autobots 1, Dickface Ebert 0.
- I heard in some cheesy motivational/self-help advertisement recently that it's good to "be friendly with yourself." I thought to myself that I'm never friendly with myself, but many times when I'm alone I get downright romantic with myself.
VI. THE AMBIGUOUS ORIGINS OF SOME SAYINGS
Have you ever thought about where some universally understood and frequently used anecdotes/sayings came from? I have. And I often end up confusing myself because I can't figure out how many of such expressions have come to symbolically/metaphorically imply what we all understand them to imply today.
Let me clarify. Everyone knows where the term "jumping the shark" came from and what it means. But in case you don't, it came from an episode of "Happy Days" wherein the Fonz literally jumped over a shark while on water skis. And from that moment on, the show began to wane. That moment was the show blowing its load, and from then on it continuously declined in popularity until it eventually just ceased to be. So now, whenever a show/movie/anything, really, reaches a point where it tops out and you know it can't get better and in fact will actually start to regress from that moment on, that thing has just jumped the shark. Everyone got that?
Ok, so that's an easy example of how a seemingly impossibly relatable situation has taken on a very mundane meaning. I get it. But, there are others that give me much more pause. For example, "bought the farm" I don't quite understand. How can it be possible that the once literal purchase of a plot of land eventually became such a significantly fatal transaction that the phrase now simply means to die? I would really like an explanation here.
But more interesting, or perhaps disturbing, is this one - "screwed the pooch," which we all understand today to mean "made a stupid and costly error." Am I really to understand that at one point in time, there was apparently a person who literally started butt-fucking a dog and immediately afterwards thought "Ooooo, ya know what? This was probably a bad idea having anal sex with ummm...with this dog." And assuming so, how fuckin' crazy is that?!?! Though, I can certainly see how such an occurrence would be memorable enough so as to become immortalized in metaphor. In other words, that's probably not something you forget, so you might as well apply some meaning to it, right?
On the other hand, maybe back whenever this originally happened, "screwing" was also meant to be taken literally. Maybe someone just took a screw-driver and mechanically fastened a dog to a wall or something, thereby essentially "screwing the pooch." We can only hope that this much more civilized possibility has some truth to it....We can onlyhope.
Clearly, this is just the type of blog item that practically begs and screams for innovation/creativity. By that I mean, if you're feeling saucy and feel like commenting on this post, I urge you to do so as it pertains to this section. Offer up some new ones. Take a bizarre and/or uniquely funny or embarassing situation from your life, describe it, then tell me/us the life lesson you gleaned from it. I bet they're almost all innately funny to some degree, and who knows, maybe it'll catch on, right? If nothing else, I promise that if its any good, I'll work it in to my next post without disclaimer or explanation...ya know, just to fuck with people.
A quick example to get the ball rolling... I once accidentally shit my pants while driving my car on the way to a date (Accidentally? Meaning there are other times you 'intentionally' shit yourself? Good point, no. All pant-shitting is accidental, I suppose). See, I thought it best to get out all the farts I could before sitting down to a meal with a lady, so I was just lettin' em rip. I had plenty of air fresheners and a good 20 minutes of windows-down speeding on I-95 ahead of me, so I figured any/all "aroma" would be long gone by the time I picked her up. Anyway, I was already running a little late, so after my mobile-shart, I decided to pull over at a gas station and have a look-see. Clearly, there was bad news in my skivees, so in the fuckin' trash can they went! Then, after a quick wash of the hands and forced blockage of short-term memory, I was back on the road. But now I was rollin' commando....And I hate commando.
So the rest of the night, though I wasn't actuall naked, I felt naked. I felt exposed, and it ruined everything. I was trying to make small-talk/jokes, but all I was thinking about was how hopelessly pendulum-like my balls were. Unhoused, involuntarily undulating...annoying. So naturally, my jokes, my attention span, my general ability to converse pleasantly, they were all underwhelming.
At the end of the night, after dropping her off, I said to myself, "God, why did I force that fucking leftover meatloaf this afternoon?" I knew the meatloaf I had for lunch was the reason that I sharted. Meatloaf always gets me like that. But I remember thinking that day that if I didn't eat it now, it would be wasted and eventually tossed, so I ate it. And I paid for it.
So, from here on out, whenever you find yourself in a situation where you feel generally uncomfortable, exposed, naked, aesthetically embarassed, etc., please feel free to say you"forced the meatloaf" on that one. Are you a girl who forgot you shouldn't wear white to a wedding until after you arrived? - you forced the meatloaf. Did you only pack the one bathing suit you own but haven't worn for over a year on your vacation, then realize when you put it on at the beach that now the waist is so tight that you're a fucking muffin top? - you forced the meatloaf. Did you wear an ascot because your uber fashion-concscious slut of a girlfriend said you should dresss more like Ashton Kutcher? - you forced the meatloaf. Get it? Good. Give me some more examples.
VII. QUICK HITTERS PART TWO
- It' interesting that you can't say that a dog "ruffs." it doesn't actually ruff, it barks. You can say a dog goes ruff, but you can't say "I walked past a dog and it ruffed at me." Conversely, while you can say a dark "barks," you rarely hear someone say that a dog "goes bark." You can't say "I walked past a dog and it went bark at me." This is all interesting because dogs are unique in this regard. Other animals generally have one noise that applies in both contexts. For example, a cat both "meows" and "goes meow." A pig can oink or "go oink." Cows can moo or "go moo." Why is it this way? And don't even get me started on "bow-wow." Only bassett hounds make that noise. No other dogs do, so why is it generally accepted?
- It's toilet "paper," not toilet "tissue." It would be tissue if my butthole sneezed into it, but it doesnt. Because its a butthole, not a nose. And buttholes get paper. And that's that.
- I don't know when it happened, but it's also interesting these days to notice that buying something offline and buying something online are really the same thing. Seems like they should be antonyms.
- I had something that wasn't quite a dream, but I don't think I was completely conscious either when it occurred to me. Anyway, it was an idea for a Saturday morning cartoon show. It would be called "Roller-Bears!" (exclamation point is part of the title), and it would feature grizzly bears on roller-skates (not rollerblades, but rollerskates) going around and stopping bullies from picking on people. The bears would have helmets and would skate very, very fast. The theme song would mimic the melody of the 80's cartoon "Gummy Bears," and ya know what that's it for this item because I'm already bored of it.
- I used to think not laughing at farts anymore was the most obvious sign that you're old. But now I think that actually occurs when you find yourself reading the obituaries every morning just to see if one of your past friends or coworkers is dead yet. That's when you know you're old.
- There are few things in life more depressing that going to a diner and finding that they feature plastic bottles of Hunt's ketchup on the tables instead of the glass bottles of Heinz. That seriously sucks.
- I recently described former Rams wider receiver Torry Holt as "smooth." When I was then asked "how smooth?" I replied by saying, "the clubs he goes to always feature some soulful R&B, probably heavy on the saxophone. He always wears a cool hat that I could never pull off. There's always classy women sitting with him on plush suede couches. And I bet he always drinks drinks that are NOT martinis but that DO have olives in them." I was proud of that description, and I felt validated when my conversation-mate said "Wow, that's fuckin' smooth." Damn, right. Big Game rocks.
- I recently heard someone explain that he got from point A to point B by taking a "random ass path to get there." But his inflection/emphasis was kinda skewed. He put the stress on the word "ass" instead of "path" as I had been expecting. And emphasis is a tricky bitch. It can completely change how you interpret something. In this example, due to the shifted emphasis, I found myself wondering if his path was random-ass, or if his ass-path was random. See what I mean? And if its the latter, what the fuck is an ass-path? Say it all aloud if you don't follow me here.
VII. THE PERFECT DRUG.
I wish I was the guy who got paid lots of money to come up with the seemingly arbitrary brand names from drugs, like Claritin, Paxil, Cialis, Valtrex, Prilosec, etc. Shit, I make up jibberish words all the time!, so I think this would be just truck-loads of fun. Now, I've heard whispers that the finished product names are derived, at least in part, from the names of the chemicals in them or some shit. Whatever, I don't buy it. They're all just conjured from thin air, I'm convinced. And I think I should have that job. And to take it a step further, I want to star in the commercials for it, because said commercials are unbelievably funny 100% of the time. Consider the following:
(Cut to a scene of DJ sitting in a canoe gently rocking atop a peaceful lake that's reflecting the light from the sun on a beautiful, cloudless day. There's no sound save for a few birds chirping somewhere in the branches of the surrounding evergreens, and DJ and the beautiful woman seated next to him cast the single fishing line they're sharing into the water before they sit back and smile at each other. Then, DJ looks at a camera that is somehow also in the canoe...)
"Ya know, three months ago my dick didn't work. But then I asked my doctor about Shmaggleporf. And now (looks at woman, who looks back lovingly), let's just say that's not the last rod she'll be handling today (smirking/giggling, then smiling and lightly nodding at the camera with a mixed expression of relief and naive optimism). Thanks, Shmaggleporf."
See what I mean? Awesome. God that would be fun.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that'll do it for now. Feels good to be back again. Ask me about my goddamn t-shirts already, will ya please? Thanks.
Dago out.
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