Just a Few Monday Quick Hitters

Hey everybody, so I have previously stated that I'd be posting more frequently, and therefore to a somewhat abbreviated extent. I think that after approximately two and a half years, it has finally dawned on yours truly that it's just more convenient for everyone to check back for a few minutes every couple days than it is to undertake a novella's worth of bullshit once a month. And so here we go, consider this substantially curtailed post a sign of things to come. Here we go, bitches:

Scream 4: How Does the Ghostface Always Know Everyone's Schedule?, And Other Thoughts

This movie actually wasn't all that bad. I enjoy how it was almost a satire of itself. Wes Craven is nifty like that. Also, Neve Campbell looks like shit, and Courtney Cox's face looks like it's made of play-doh and condoms. She needs to stop or she'll no longer have a place in Cougar town (zing).

There's a scene near the end in which one character gets clocked over the head with a bedpan, at which point I thought that it should be an unofficial Hollywood dictum stating that whenever anyone in any movie is struck via bedpan, they should have to scream something ironic, like "Oh, shit!" as it happens. Anything relating to what typically goes into a bedpan would suffice. You can imagine the possibilities.

Also, how come nobody ever thinks to block the bad guy's phone number after the first call? Ya know, the one that always ends up with the dumb bitch saying "This isn't funny! I'm calling the police!" and hangs up? Right then, block the goddamn number that just called you. How has nobody thought of that? And if you have a landline, disconnect it! What's the mystery? I know, it's a "Scream" movie, so I shouldn't devote much thought to it. But this movie is otherwise surprisingly thorough and well thought out, so these unresolved, hanging details irk the shit out of me.

Lastly, there's one token black character in the movie. It's a cop, aaaaand he gets stabbed in the forehead after no more than five minutes of screen-time. It's nice to see Wes Craven still abides by at least one of the staples of horror-movie production. Ha.

Remember What I Said Last Time About Ketchup in Diners?

So. Friggin'. Depressing....

#ThisShitHastoStop

See what I did there? I started a Twitter trend.

Actually, in reality, no I didn't. Guess what people - whenever you put a hashtag in front of something you post on facebook, in an email, or whatever, chances are it's not gonna become a "thing" on Twitter. Nobody gives enough of a shit about your #TriptoVegas!, your #NewPuppy, or your #WorkKickballLeagueChamps pictures to stop what they're doing, go on Twitter, and join the legions of followers you have regarding this subject (italics to indicate sarcasm). All you're succeeding in doing in pissing people off; people who don't feel like having to slowly pick apart the four or so words you mashed together to form one woefully uninteresting phrase. Essentially, you've added unnecessary punctuation, and you've eliminated spacing. Congratulations, you're a douchebag.

What's even worse is when people use the hashtag in front of a single word, then treat it as if it's just a regular word in a sentence. Let me illustrate with one I've been seeing quite a bit of recently - "Heading downtown to watch the #Flyers take on the Devils!" Really? You feel the need to remind everyone that the Flyers are a trend on Twitter? That's atrocious. Just say "Flyers" please, will ya? And if you have a problem with that, you can find me at @Idontgiveashitwhatyouthink. Thank you.

Oh, last thing - it's a friggin' pound sign. Not a hash tag. Jesus.

Making Up Words is Still Fun

This one isn't even my own thought, buuuuuut I'm gonna pass it off like it is, anyway.

Movie trilogies - there's the original, the sequel, and....what? The "third installment?" The "conclusion?" What do you call it? It's hard to put an appropriate descriptive label on these movies. I mean, "third installment" makes it sound like it's a brainless piece of garbage thrown together just to make a studio a few extra bucks (Ahem, Matrix Revolutions, ahem). And "conclusion" doesn't always work because if it's any good, chances are there will eventually be another one, thereby invalidating said term.

While on that subject, many times, that fourth movie will be a backstory that takes place before the original (an idea for which George Lucas was a genius for creating and a moron for poorly executing), and we all know these movies as "prequels." Good. Fine. This still doesn't solve the riddle of the third movie in the trilogy...

With that in mind, I humbly suggest "trequel" as the term applied to the third of three related movies. Don't ask me where the word/spelling came from. As I mentioned, it wasn't my personal idea. I just heard it blurted out recently, and I decided I liked it. And so there you have it - "Return of the Jedi" is the best trequel ever, though not as good as the sequel, which is also better than the original and all of the horrible prequels. Boom.

Here's Somethin'...

How do you tell when an Asian is high?

Also, what do Asians do when they have trouble seeing things that are far away?

Just some things this round-eye was thinkin' about just now.

Language!

It's legitimately interesting that the older I've gotten, there seems to have been a shift in the hierarchy of offensive "curse" words. For example, there are two "f" words that people generally don't like. I still use one of them when I get fired up about something. You can guess which one that is. And I used to think it was generally considered the most deplorable word one could say.

I now think I was wrong, for the other "f" word is the one that seems to bother people a bit more (the gay slang). It's just interesting how I used to treat this particular word as if it were the word "the," in that I'd use it without even thinking it was a big deal. I've come to realize over the past couple years though that this one makes people just about as uncomfortable as they can get, it's really a particularly cutting insult when directed at someone, and so I've essentially eliminated it from my vocabulary, which I think is a good thing.

Ya Know Who's a Huge Fag? - Tim Tebow

Zing! That's an awful joke, I know. But come on, I'm kidding. I just wanted to make you shake your head at my apparent hypocrisy for a second. But I do have some thoughts on football, and so...

Football Thoughts!

It's funny how, for years, everyone loved getting after Alex Smith for being a huge bust. He had a different offensive coordinator every single season to complement a host of bad head coaches, but still people crucified him. Now that he has calmly engineered the 49ers to a 7-1 start (one Tony Romo pass away from being 8-0), nobody is making a peep. That's bullshit. I know he's not a pro-bowler, and he'll never be Hall of Fame material. But come one, give the guy some credit. He has a good system and finally some good pieces (Gore, Davis, Crabtree, Edwards, etc.), and so he's winning, albeit in a weak division. But still, good job Alex Smith. You deserve some mention.

I won't hurl any legitimate gay slang at him, and I know he's 2-1 this year, but still, Tim Tebow is the worst fundamental quarterback I've ever seen. Watching his mechanics as he throws a pass is like watching two obese people try to have sex. It just looks uncomfortable, nobody involved really enjoys it, it's just generally nauseating, and it usually ends with someone overexerting themselves and falling down. But Tim Tebow is jacked out of his mind, and the man can run, so why they don't make him a Tight End is beyond me.

What is it with New York Giants huge running backs? They seem to begin their careers on fire, then a few seasons later, almost instantly become a liability. I know Brandon Jacobs scored against New England, but generally, he stinks. And nobody in New York really trusts him anymore. It's weird because he was once - briefly - such a beast! Smell like Ron Dayne all over again, doesn't it? What's the problem up there with those kinds of guys?

Some Notes on Flies

I heard that the fruit-fly only lives for about 10-15 minutes. I didn't verify this, I just took it as fact because I'm lazy. But assuming this is true, that's also remarkable, and I don't understand how any of them get anything done. I mean, they have to be born, become acclamated to their bodies, learn from their mothers what their wings do and how to use them, practice flying, meet some friends, go look for food, eat, go on a blind date with a girl fruit-fly, wait the obligatory three days before calling her again (which, in fruit-fly time, I'm guessing is, like, 45 seconds), keep courting her, have sex for the sake of reproduction, then enjoy retirement before dying. That seems like an awful lot for 10 minutes, doesn't it? And for the females, you'd figure they also have to tack on giving birth and instructing their children, so as usual, females make things even more complicated.

Also, I do not endorse the expression, "You have the patience of tsetse fly" (Yes, "tsetse" fly, which you people probably thought was "teensy fly"). Anyway, as the name might suggest, these insects are rather small. However, since when does physical size have anything to do with patience? For all we know, tsetse flies might be the most laid-back, patient members of the animal kingdom. It's pretty ignorant that we assume that they have no patience just because they're small and buzz around making weird noises. Ya know what else does that? - midgets. Midgets looooove running around and squawking in incomprehensible phrases, sounding like they just sucked in a few balloons' worth of helium. So are all midgets impatient? That's a pretty rash assumption, isn't it?

And to take it a step further, am I to assume that I can generally estimate levels of patience simply by looking the physical size of all people? For example, I'm 6'2". Does that mean I'm more patient than my 5'6" sister? Well, actually yes, I am because she's a crazy person, so that's a bad example. But you get the idea. Tsetse flies - you get a bad rap. Midgets - I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell ya. Buy stilts, I dunno.

Alright, I'm outta here. Post a comment. Check out the poll on the right side of the page. And as always, f*ck 'em if they can't take a joke.

DJ